firasat

maaf kerna tak bisa melafazkannya
cukuplah hanya Allah yang tahu
dan pada hari ini saya gagahi juga sepatah dua kata
walau ketika itu jiwa meronta kaget
tapi yg benar itu tetap terang dan yg samar itu perlu dilemaskan dalam-dalam
hari ini saya gembira kerna berani sudah tampil tanpa perlu berpura-pura
inilah yang saya tidak inginkan
namun saya bersyukur
Tuhan masih sayangkan saya
Tuhan mengajar saya yg apa yg saya rasa terbaik, tak semestinya sama bagi Dia
dan sebagai hamba, saya memilih ketentuanNya
saya bisa memujuk hati agar bahagia dgn apa yg Tuhan aturkan kerna sudah tentu dan seyakinnya, itu yg terbaik...
kita hanyalah manusia yg melintasi lingkaran takdir
ada yang bertemu, bertahan dan hilang bersama-sama
hal ini lumrah
dan fitrah manusia sememangnya lemah
saya bersyukur kerna hari ini Tuhan menyedarkan saya
saya lah insan yang lemah
yang berlindung di balik rahsia-rahsia takdir Tuhan

jujurnya, saya ingin berlari sambil menggenggam masa saya yang terhad
saya punya banyak impian yang saya sendiri leraikan
kerna kudrat saya selalu memilih untuk berehat
misi-misi yang belum selesai
memerlukan hati yang perlu dibuka
dan dinding yang perlu diruntuh

ingin rasanya menjengah dunia semahunya
pertapak ke mana jua dengan hati yang sentiasa bertasbih merinduiNya
hidup perlu dihidupkan dengan timbangan akhirat
bukan barat atau mudarat
saya tidak sempurna
kerna itulah manifestasi seorang hamba
yang akan sentiasa berpaut di bawah naunganNya, selama-lamanya...

strength

osce of 16 stations...psychiatry and specialty postings.
we did it, alright....
though perhaps me, not warna-warna pelangi but, Alhamdulilah, diizinkan Allah untuk selesaikan apa yg perlu dilakukan.
even somehow i felt a bit sad because i as usual knew i cud have done better and i really2 need to strategize my study plan after dis..
hurm.

lelap

kdg-kdg jadi serba salah pula.
ah, rasa nk belah diri ini, jadi macam cerita naruto, bisa dipecah-pecah menjadi ramai.
namun hakikatnya aku tetap satu.
aku tetap lemah.
ke mana aku pergi, jika tiada rahmatNya, aku kira aku sama tunggul dgn si kayu,
ada hati menahan angin, namun akar tumpul.
aku menangis minta dipapah keluar
minta dipenjara
apalah erti kebebasan ini andai kelak ia akan menghancurkan aku menjadi debu-debu
yang berterbangan
aku lelap dalam jaga
aku buta dalam celik
aku lah manusia seperti mereka dan mereka
akulah hirisan-hirisan anak muda
yang hanya mahu tahu apa yang aku suka
dan rasa jengkel dengan rumit dunia berputar
sujudnya alam ini kepada Ya Rab
hanyalah manifestasi seorang hamba
yang patuhnya bukan kerna melambung takut
namun kerna kasih dan hormat
kerna sayang dan cinta

enough

as time slips
slipped away
like the violent kind wind
throwing away the past behind
i was stumble upon how naive i was
am still
i just wanna break free
i just felt that life is full of other things
i just wish i knew what to decide
what to do
what to say
and im left with nothing but Allah
dan cukuplah Allah bagiku di tahun yang baru ini~

jigsaw

how should i simplify my just now very complicated unreasonable judgement and now, just by borrowing a murabbi's spirit, just by reading, i felt her words really create wonders and make me felt fine,fine, fine.

hv u ever felt so low, u just wanted to stay shallow and sad. u just could not reach anyone. and suprisingly u just put the the best of all listener, out of your, list.. Allah.

yes, im talking bout myself. i find myself so heavy nowdays. true, partly due to my increasing weight, but most of it because nauzubillah, deep down, i felt my ilah is not Allah but me striving looking not alien in front of other makhluk.

i felt so clouded somehow.
why i just could not accept things.
especially on Allah's secret...
Allah hide for a very very goodest reason...
He Knows it of course.
that if we know things that we want to know now,
then its not life anymore.
that's a drama.
and life is not a scripted drama.
it does not need a script.
because Allah is the writer and Allah is the best of all writer!
He is!

Allah hu akhbar..

fight

as time goes by.
like the wind blowing the leaves across the street.
i keep wondering when will i be able to be great to do what i wanna do.
being able to control time.
to be able to response correctly.
to know what to say, what to tell.
being flew back to the times i think i would like.
like the time when im a size of a feather,
the time im super rajin,
the time that mum was able to be super than superman,
the time that Abah was not worried of me as im not growing yet,
the time where what friends do and tell u matters,
the time where simple is always not complicated,

and etc wantedness.

which makes me stumble upon a fact that am I questioning takdir?

dear, keep the past as a part of u.
cherish the good moments.
be thankful for the bad ones.
life is not merely only for today.
its indeed a journey.
bekalan untuk hari-hari yang abadi nanti...

lets never give up in fighting our truest enemy of all...
: u knoe who!:

transform!

hari ini hari yang agak suam.
tidak sejuk dan tidak panas.
Alhamdulillah.

ada beberapa perkara yg berlegar di pemikiran ana.
semoga segala urusan dipermudahkan Allah. insyaAllah.

• niat
• harap+doa kepada Allah
• istiqomah dan keberanian

pembentukan seseorang individu dalam pemahaman Islam yang sebenar, ana kira memerlukan niat yang perlu selalu diperbaiki dan diasuh.
kemudian, pengharapan dan doa hanya kepada Allah agar dipermudahkan pemahaman dan pengaplikasian dalam menegakkan Islam dalam kehidupan kita sehari-harian.
satu perkara yang perlu juga kita gilap adalah istiqomah dan keberanian kita dalam memperlihatkan sebatinya Islam as the way of life. Agar tidak menjadi tak serupa bikin. Agar tiada disassociation of our religion and our life.
dan bagaimana bisa kita boleh berniat secara tegar, berpaling hanya pada Rab yang Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang dan lebih kuat dari hari ke hari untuk terus beristiqomah dan lebih berani menyelusuri jalanNya yang panjang ini, ana kira, tidak lain dan tidak bukan, hanyalah takwin/pembentukkan yang berterusan di dalam diri kita. (Didiklah jiwa kita melalui proses usrah dan tarbiyyah.)

ana akan sentiasa berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri ana agar dapat juga memperbaiki orang lain. insyaAllah.

seperti jari-jemari kita yang diciptakan yang Maha Bijaksana, tak perlu sama cantik, sama kurus dan sama panjang. Kerna dengan berbezanya itulah dapat kita genggam, dapat kita pegang. Islamnya kita secara total, tidak bermakna kedatangan kefahaman itu memerlukan kita sejak azalinya seorang yang sempurna. Kerna Allah mahu kita mencari dan terus mencari. Carilah hatimu di dalam Al Quran, di dlm solat, di dlm sepertiga malam, dan andai tidak berjumpa juga, mohonlah kepada yang Maha Berkuasa agar diberikan pintu hati yang baru...

(Macam kita jugak. Mungkin kita ada zaman jahiliyyah kita sendiri. Pernah lakukan perbuatan yang tidak berfaedah suatu ketika dahulu. Hmm..satu hari Allah takdirkan kita dapat kefahaman Islam. Apa kita nak buat? Kita gunakan segala perkara yang kita ketahui sewaktu zaman jahiliyyah tu untuk membantu Islam. Mungkin suatu ketika dulu, kita pandai menulis novel-novel cinta yang tidak berfaedah, sekarang kita kita tukarlah pulak. Kita menulis novel-novel islamik misalnya.Tu sebabnya kita kena pandang kelebihan orang lain berbanding kekurangannya. Bila kita jumpa sesiapa pun, kita fikir-fikirkan la cara bagaimana nak bantu dia agar dia dapat gunakan kelebihannya itu untuk Islam.)

( ) petikan drp kak feera :) jzkk.

deep-a-valley

as i consider myself doing one thing that a fren don't like today, which makes me felt bad. hurm.... nvd, i will then try to forgive myself by saying the things that i did good.
i went for OT day. watch tonsillectomy and polypectomy. Alhamdulillah. i help my frens around the audio clinic and speech therapy. got to see @ perform PTA. i fast today. i borrowed timmy my super new unoriginal oren crocs. i borrowed hamidah my green extra tudung. i gave one ringgit to Adam, a 6 year old boy so that he could buy sweets. Am not sure where he parents is due to language barrier. He is a foreigner. Mayb african ppl. i gave a ride to my housemates. i taught my fren one of the the absolute indication for tosillectomy op :
sore throat infection >7 times and 2 weeks on leave/away frm school per year. over 2 years, 5x each. over 3 years, 3x each.

alhamdulillah. Rasullulah have said it, "Berselisih faham di kalangan umatku itu adalah satu rahmat." (Riwayat Al Baihaqi). i appreciate differences. we are all the same eventually, as we all have differences especially in the way we are brought up.

i grow up in a mentality of no fear if you think wut u do is right. even if it dosent seem to fit the rule or norm. sometimes, at times, ppl appear to label me as suka hati. i remember when i was standard 6, i did a karangan bahasa melayu exactly the contra of what the initial points that were given by my teacher. i just felt that i wanted to do sth of my own. and not copy cat what she gave to us primary six students. during my times in Tkc i escape the dragging morning assembly. no offense Pn. R, but i find it a waste of time in my rebellious mind back then. there are times i appear to be offensive, volatile and monster like when it comes to what i think. its been there for quite a time. and to change a godzilla cum human to a angelic like princess would take time. on the outer prospect, i mean. but u could count on my quest as a khalifah. i will keep on improving myself. today should be a better day than yesterday! insyaAllah.

and i realize that sometimes, there are times that ppl do mistakes w/o them knowing it is wrong. Sometimes, there are times i did something to make other ppl easier and happier but it could sometimes, in the times of akward moments, i am being misunderstood but i learn that ppl are big enough to decide on what they think is right for them and no matter how good my intention was, it would not be visible as clashes of principles collided. i learn also the importance of to see the good things in ppl first. i will next time try my best to see any possibilities of the good side first. i will try to understand. i will not let my perception of life, clouds judgement towards other ppl who may not appear to share the same principles that i do.
from now onwards, i will try to be more tolerate. even maybe not so much on my actions as good habit needs time to stay but at least on how i see things and the ppl around me.
insyaAllah....

on the other note, hpy deepavali Parvin and bhav.

hv a blast! :)

listen

as time slips by me, i am thankful and grateful that i am move to visit the audilogy clinic and the speech therapy clinic. its so ashame of how easily we took for granted of something as so simple as our ability to talk and hear. i really really felt the heaviness in the heart of the parents who have children with disability of any kind and in case of today, the hearing and talking ability. i really really appreciate how normal i am. Alhamdulillah. for the fact that i could communicate, be understood, hear to music and cartoon shows when small, i am indeed speechless. The boy in the speech therapy clinic had problem in articulating words and its due to his attention deficit disorder. He merely could not sit still, not even for 2 minutes. and for the age of 4 years old, u shud have been able to talk at least , what types of animal, etc.. and look at what i found in the net:

What Should a 4 Year Old Know? by Alicia Bayer
She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time... She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs... He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them...

so sweet isn't it?

=) and coming back to adulthood, selamat panjang umur, timmy..... moga jumpe pilot soleh. ooopss. hehehe.

s-o- me t-i- me

sometimes she don't like sometimes.
sometimes she like all the time.
but if its all the time, sometimes...
well, maybe because life is all the time sometimes.
we just need to give time, time.

it had been a stuggle to her.
she tried.
still trying, somtimes.
most of the time, half heartedly living.
she asked herself, what was the purpose of her creation.
she knew it of course.
only sometimes, she hopes that she will all the time remembers it.
remember her purpose of living.
to serve her creator. as best and beyond that she could think she thought she could do.

though as confused she may presented herself, deep down she is all clear and calm
what's outside is actually her inside
though other ppl may seem to think that she is volatile
but as wrong as she may look like
she is comfortable enough to be her own self
much lighter
much easier
because the past has been a mistake
which she is glad that it happened
cause things happened for a reason
and if that reason involves her getting nearer to her creator
she will gladly accept
no pain no gain
she agrees
she nodded
she smile
she is happy
though time and time,
she would sometimes wish sometimes can be all the time
but most of the time, she is steady
maybe not quite slow but almost steady...

moving on
to the next step of life
she could not help to weep and cry
of her spoilt milk
she knew its wrong
but there are time she thinks that its necessary to be sad and malencholy
of somthing that gone wrong
what that is in the past
is already left
and her now seem to be much colourful sometimes
maybe all the time
probably most of the time
and from time to time
she will become a butterfly
she prays for it
and even she could not
well, at least sometimes
dreaming brings no harm, right?
better than all the time complaining
better than most of the time being blank and sad

the better part of life still awaits
she hopes
sometimes
all the time
most of the time

mine

personally she is not a not a fan of whatever artis. and yes, u wont see lists of million songs in her laptop. jauh sekali utk beli object bernama mp3 dan sebagainyer. but she loves to listen to radios only when driving. kira, leh lah update lagu2 semasa generasi skrng agaknya sambil ada suara teman while driving alone. to her, kebanyakan lirik lagu sekarang, x menyentuh betul. harap penulis2 lagu nie lebih kritis lah dlm berkarya. bukan lah nk sanjung barat ke, atau lebih dekat, buka tingkap, nampak jiran seberang, punya lah dia rasa lirik2 mereka bermakna sekali. bukanlah dia nk ckp karya tempatan x best. hurm. agaknya org kita nie lebih fikir kan poket, ikut rentak semasa. tapi kalo nk di ikutkan, bila ada kualiti, org mesti hargai. kalau ada ramai mcm m.nasir mesti best kan. dan ramai lagi lah yg berbakat sebenarnya tapi tak sedar yang lirik yg bermakna lah yg jadi roh pada suatu lagu. irama hanyalah sbg aji-no-moto sahaja.
coming back to taylor swift, maybe because she thinks that the song bring back good memories which saddens her but the way the song is being sing, it does not allow u to be sad for too long. its a hope song to her. a hope that the future husband will take her as who she is, and of course taylor does not have a glimpse of spirituality connecting her to her partner in the song but to her, the sense of strengthening between 2 souls can be increase in a marriage by their strengthening with The All-Mighty. she just feel like smiling upon hearing this cool song. and suprisingly from taylor's. thank you. the song really instill inspiration. the phrase 'u say u will never make my parents mistakes', well, really2 reminded her of the past. of the dark past, maybe. but what had happened in her life of the past is a good thing in the end. InsyaAllah.
her another fav phrase, ...and u took me by suprise, u say i will nvr leave u alone.. u say, i remmber how we felt sitting by the water....
although she knew in reality, she wud try her best, and would fight for not letting this tata tertib (read:coupling) offence happening in her life, but after marriage wud be possible is it. thou for the fact as she is typing away these words, none of a homo sapiens by the genetic of xy crossed her mind, not even barney....
well, at least there is still tomorrow.
we will never know. as for today, she may just wanna smile while hearing to taylor's song entitled mine. without even needing to have any spesific who.

and she is happy.
as long as she fight for the real ones in this unpermanent life.
she would be fine... u too, everyone. hey single ladies, lets prepare ourselves better in terms of being an a awesome wife. (though several years from now seems so far away, isnt it?) hurm.. gear up saje lah! siap siaga, x salah kan. awh.

;from the 2nd person view of herself? hee!;

23

hari ini
sama atau tidak dengan hari yang lain
bukan soalnya
kerna hari ini
hari bertambahnya angka
dan betapa masa berganti begitu deras
perlu teguh dan lebih kukuh
dalam melayari onak duri kehidupan
kadang-kala alpa dan cuai
sahabat pun silih ganti
yang berharga bersinar
yang kelam kesam
walau tinggi mana sayap terbang
lembut tanah tak pernah jauh
deretan kisah-kisah lama kembali
lalu kita menangis dan ketawa sekali
mengenang kenangan
jatuh bangun hari ini dan semalam
harapan bisa terhapus
dan cita-cita bisa padam
kata-kata dilupakan
perbuatan baik tidak dihirau
namun itulah realiti
inilah dunia yang sementara
sementara kita masih bernafas
marilah menghirup kebenaran
dan memperjuangkan harapan
biarlah kalah di sini sekalipun
kerna kita bijaksana
dan tak perlu bijaksini saja

hari ini akan berlalu
dan yang hidup akan hidup
yang mati senyap sepi
yang tinggal, ayuh bangkit
ummah memerlukan kita
walau itu pun mereka tak sedar
hulurkan lah tangan
moga hari ini berakhir dgn tenang
setenang air di kali
membasahi hati dan nurani

ameen ya Rab bal ala min.

pengasih

it was scary. to see the seniors doing their osce. with those strange noises every like 3-5 min. well, the truth is, i feel nothing. na daa. nope!

maybe i am myself exhausted. exhausted of being over sleep or what?

i dun think so. it has been some nightmare these couple of days. with abah not that well, with some unexpected gifts, with the PSY Community Project in old folks home, and in between of speculating of the future... there are also some juniors approaching me for advice. am not sure i am the correct person for them to collect any valid advices but then again, but i gv my best shot nway. dat is why i wud love to one day have a club of my one. secret lah lagi the details. well, i am still fighting with time and all the running thoughts and ideas. maybe all i need to do is to settle down. or maybe to let go. talking of letting go, we went to Pengasih yesterday, all 3 and 7 of us. it was a very eye opening. they used approach name therapeutic community where a survivor will become a mentor to the new ones. am very shock to see the slumber speaker in front of me is a survivor of drug abuse. salute. salute. salute.

kan Allah dah berfirman, Aku tak akan ubah nasib mu melainkan kau mengubahnya sendiri. the change is in your hand.

and today is the day. i am going to put a brave face esok. for role play and poem closing ceremony... deep breath, ashu. deep n very deep, now!

insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan urusan kami. Ameen...

abah

i escape my undang2 class today. sori Dr S. hehe.
padahal i am the one who shud n supposed to be soried. rugi woo tak g class dia. notti old fellow. but then again abah insisted juga so ikut perintah sajorh. mana ada abah kat dunia yg berkata sebegini kpd anak gadisnya:

situasi 1: kak kalo drive, make sure cermat. toksah nk tergesa2. biar lambat sampai kelas. kita bayar apa universiti nieh! (omg. omg. omg...)

situasi 2: boleh tak kak tak payah pg kelas esok? (omg.omg.omg. ana salah dgr ke? but of course due to emergency matters)

situasi 3: kalau anak aku, mmg aku dah tembak dah! (commenting the newspaper headline on social issues..)

dan byk lagi situasi yg mencuit hati...

sekian.
ayah aku yg chomel:) sy syg abah!

Dwikutub

as abel said, we always hv busy wikends.

and yes, true. my wikends are superlybusy with reunion usrah, post case write up penat sbb the thurs+friday was a disaster stay up to finish the write-up and yes, its alwez the strunggling to death routine again. really really hate procastination; reports of so and so (classified), counting questionnaires of old folks GDS(geriatric depression scale) like a mad lady, liqa' with the awesomes, worrying of our future in CU in betweens here and der, attending little playful mammie's bdy in Klang who turn out six years old yesterday plus we found some old albums and it really stir back sweet childhood memories=)
upon being back home sweet home, we watch LIVE Tv3 the wedding of the year, 10.1o.10 Dato M and the sweet Dr H. i felt like marrying anyone after their grand futuristik marriage.
i really adore Dr H big smile on her big day and Dato M relieve, grateful face. =) so perfect! guess who, sapa best buddies Dato M? the adorable Dr F in T. omg omg omg. huhuhu.

i felt exhausted sgt But Happy! Alhamdulillah.

Next week, i will turn up being two and three.
i feel like making a makan-makan in my bersinar-sinar hse for colleagues but dun think dat could be done due to some other plans.
maybe later, can join party with Sue chomel, Ain Finas konon nampak garang and Ishani brilliant sbb diaorg pon October gurls. EXCITED! hee;)


on the other note,
carilah dan gaulkanlah di dalam diri kita, sifat siddiq, amanah, tabligh, & fathonah yang ditunjukkan Nabi junjungan besar kita, s.a.w.
There is no fathonah w/o tabligh. there is no tabligh w/o amanah and there is no amanah w/o siddiq!
jadi, marilah kita bersama menjadi orang yang benar.
Benar pada apa yang ada di hati dan di minda anda. Jangan lain di hati dan lain pula di mulut dan aksi.
Jika kita tak mahu menjadi seorang yang benar kerna risau akan komplikasinya, maka sila lah menjadi orang yang menipu demi kebahagiaan diri anda sendiri.

the truth can be ugly and telling the truth can be a dilemma.
but Rasulullah dah berpesan, berkatalah benar walau PAHIT...
ada beran? :)

u cn do anything u wanted to Do, as long as u are brave enough to face your greatest enemy of all; YOURSELF!

jigsaw

saturday was awesome. Alhamdulilah am still alive, came back one piece and never have felt so cool before.



nway, have been keeping this peice in the draft inbox for quite some time. busy sgt ke? not sure, but where did i went n wut did i do n wut did i hear and wut did i say in the Zailies (wif Paeja) and as well as Bel from Kl to BP and bck again last week mmg is like a journey of life itself i guess. To newly wed A and M, u guys mmg sgt suit for each other.
like a perfect jigsaw puzzle.
ana doakan both dpt terima kurang n lebih diri masing2, ok :) insyaAllah.

i need more trips around malaysia and the globe with old buddies, akhwat and families..

and PSY posting is ending. am sad. very very.
but then again, idup perlu diteruskan.

PERLU! ummah is waiting for u, for dem to be saved.... and b4 u save other ppl, save urself first!

cayo'!

running again

interesting.



left my hp at home. and nzri had left me infront of clinic. omg.

and another omg when there is no one in the ward!



am i dreaming? nope.



at 10, mdhs and the clan wus arnd.



and i did hv a gud day in the f ward. am still not goin yet to m ward sbb paranoid? hurm..

need to break the barrier soon as well as visit the wisma kayu asap as well as dig out more infos for role play for this coming community project!

yee ha. life is busy again! =)

terima kasih day

terima kasih.terima kasih.terima kasih.

went to see Musical Tun M today with abh n mk.
serious, i cried towards the end. those days when Tun M resign as PM.
why?
am not sure.
but i could feel his lost hope towards us, Malays.
he mention about sick ppl only needed tongkat, but the Malay, wanted 'tongkat' even if they were not sick.
and indeed i cried due to how true his words was.

where are we?
infrastruktur kelas pertama, tapi minda kelas ketiga?

of course it includes me as a citizen. as a Malay.
im not generalizing everyone.
its that, the fact the we are the majority but minoriti in achievement is something that we must be worried of!

Tun Siti Hasmah came to CUCMS today.
i thought and assume that its going to be another boring speech and advise
but i wus suprised by how wrong i was...
her speech was very very simple and easy to absorb and practise.
its about medicine and the challenges+opportunities.
and i did asked during Q&A session.
what, where and how did Tun Hasmah gain her strength as previously a doctor and then a wife and an ex first lady of Msia?
and her answers? was simply sweet and cool!
1) be among young minds
2) use your minds , stimulate it frequently
3) bila makan , rasa dah sedap dah tuh, berhenti! (her mother in law's actually)
4) exercise. don't hv to be aerobic but jusr walk! just walk...

and during the end of her speech, we had some salam-salam and i would not forget when she said this to me, as we are near about only 2 inches away:
where r u from?
Ampang only.
Ampang only??? it does not matter where u come from! say, i am frm Ampang! thats it.

omg. is this a 80+ old lady talking to me?
yes.
and she indeed does not look like 80+.
serious..


p/s: on the another note, was sentap by prof najib remark of my comment, had slight uneasiness of the intestines but not to the point u cn diagnose me as diarrhoea, had slight dizziness due to makan daging as i m not use to eat certain kind of meat (based on observation) and lastly, the peak of the day; TAYAR PANCIT. OMG. SORI MYVI SYG. thanx lori batu muatan berats.
i syg u!

sabar sahaja. iA hikmah ada. mmg ada. sentiasa ada ;)

smileee

mix feelings.

collision of thoughts.
one day im fine. one day im not.
im searching for Allah in every inch of my heart.
afraid that i wont find Him.that im lost.
but our creator is always der. always.
no matter when u feel that life is heavy that it will crush u to pieces.
or if its so bright that u feel numb and cold.
even its so colorful but yet to ur eyes, its just another black n white.
happiness surrounds u.
dwelling to our deepest past.
and sumhow we are left with a tinge of fear.
fear of being abandone.
fear of being alone and lonely.
fear of sleeping and waking up with no one around us.
sounds like panic attack ey.
but having anxiety disorder is far more worth than having a silent struggle in u.
a struggle so huge that u wish it will dissapear right now in any how.
looking at the past. at the lies.
i blame no one at the end.
because in the end, its like blaming God.
who am i to question His decision.
His decision is the best. n believe it!
i choose to settle down.
i choose to live for my creator's pleasure.
i wish these eyes of mine could see only the goodness of other creations.
but at the same time this soul stay guard of other evils that may love to see
us destroy. bit by bit. and nonetheless, all wont happen by Allah's permission.
so, why afraid?
why the sad face?
la tahzan.Allah is near.closer than close.
insyaAllah:)

ada apa

u know wut,
sometimes,
u tak perlu tau pon, wut happened, why... when, how..

bcoz it won't change anything pon. u'll even feel much worst. damaged. hurt. broken..

dat is why there are secrets.

=)

there is always the right time to spill the beans.

there are the moments that Allah knew u will be ready to face!

what ever the reason is...

although its kind of ironic to talk bad about other ppl about something that u urself is having...

dey say, have a look in the mirror first before saying bad about others. but i guess, we are forgetful humans. we even forget wut we are like, what we were,
reality bites, we are not perfect, we are just human beings,
not GOD! not angels!

i just wanted to be me.
not more.
not less.

a me who loves me and loves the ones who loves her creator...


Bisikku pada bulan
Kembalikan Syurgaku
Bulan, jangan biar siang
Biar alam ini kelam
Biar ia sepi...

happy

escape.evacuate.

cud not describe of how important i felt we were in that grand ward round room.

unbelievable! awesome and etc.

the fact that i purposely forgot that i am just a student and pretend for several seconds that i am just one of them (read: specialist, consultant psychiatrist!) is some thing that i never never in the back of mind, could ever ever imagine and think of! and im glad im did. i did say something. and im more glad that this taiko and otai ppl are more than willing to listen..

its a nice feeling i think. im not sure. after all, im just learning. we all are. hopefully.

fuuuh. and even aliah said, bro, i think u shud become a specialist like them one day, dey debate/discuss among themselves like mad.. (for the sake of patient of course) which makes me terharu bcoz i nvr think or see it that way...

hurm.

but the truth is i am not sure to pursue with what i like or what i feel that i have to do..
one is sth that u love to do..
and another one is sth that u do for the sake of love..
i hope i cud love what i do.. no matter what Allah's plan for me is..
insyaAllah..

and yes, thank you aliah for making me come to grand ward round today.
we learnt a lot dun we? 3 cases, from 2.30 untill 6 pm!
=)
somatoform disorder,
delusional disorder secondary to ICE,
and finally OCD + panic disorder.

i am one happy gurl today, ok.
so happy!
=)

its only beginning...

its easier to cry. its easier to see other ppls happiness. its easier to say and stumble upon ur words. its okay. sumtimes u need a little push, a little rough tide, a little bounce out of the blue. fine now, its a great day. why the sad face. why the fear. free urself from the prison. break free. dont be afraid. thou the future seems bleak but remember those times, when they show u the way of happiness and truth.. mayb dey won't remember but u do and it dosent matter if ur hurt coz i knoe ur rather be hurt than feeling nothing at all, ur rather be hurt than being happy and others r not.. oh paradigm, shift swiftly left and right. will u be faster and run against the time. hey u, stop the smiling face. but dont listen to me. keep smiling. at least it brighten my world. for no reason. owh, i wish i could float and not sink like a titanic, deep deep down burying all my memories which u cant take it away from me... and its like little treasures to me. i might sound weird. i might be sick. but i know i m recovering. i am better. i realize who i am. i realize how painful u are.but please hold on.... Allah is always, always near~ =)

i get more than i want...

cinta sempurna, yuna.

haha. it sounded so nice to me.

its hard actually.

to tell the truth.

especially because we knew that the person who will hear it wud not be ready of what we'll say.

but we grow up from being hurt.

we cry not only because we are sad but to grow stronger as well.

its hard. its not easy to face the truth.

its easier said than done. but once u face it, perhaps its still possible that u cn get better.

insyaAllah.

although it might felt heavy but once ur able to let go, once u knew that ur not broken nor shattered, that this world is just mere temporary, well it could like its nothing anymore.

life must go on!

at least u grow up from this misery.

and all of a sudden, hey, its a new day, its a new you!

sunshine is gone, but not for long.. iA.

;)

marah

sept 11.

a systematic planned tragedy of the Zionist!

2nd day of raya...

and suddenly there is unhuman human who wanted to burn our holy book, Quran...

melampau sgt nie.

mengucap panjang ana...

ini pasti ujian Allah terhadap hamba2nya.

am so disgusted with this person--> Florida pastor Terry Jones' plan to commemorate Sept. 11 by burning copies of the Quran

lemangs ketupats

entah apa-apa.

me and everyone else i.e u know who u are..

1. my anger snap syndrome is killing me. please lah transformers skit. tak cantik langsung snap anger mode. haih. and im not even on red days. argh! annoyed, annoyed by own self...

2. seeing other ppl snapping madly to other ppl make me have a very bad impression as well. and dis time, suprisingly, not to the particular eruptic ppl but to my ownself..
man, dis must be the condition i am like when i activate my torpedo+volcano launching in action. i really-really-really think that its so not cool to be in a marah-marah mode. which is never a cool thing to do at the very beginning anyway..

3. on the another note, i think being campak to T makes me realize of my limitation towards certain humans. haih. tewas berapa kali dah nie. Ya Allah, biar betul nieh. so dun understand lah. entah. gasak lah. asal i ok and im not hurt. ameen.

4. dr Bad is awesome wey. so fatherly figure, ok. so so so gonna miss him nanti after i finish T posting. huhu. until one point, me and bro Aliaaaa thinks that its so cool to have a husband by the job specialist named psychiatrist..

but again, if he turns out to be all the time psycho-ing us, then.. hurm, any soleh man would do, ya Allah, and in particulary, ... (u know who, kan? hee. thanks. )

5. clashes of dates for communtiy project. hope there is light fast out of dis..
by the way, u know what, i felt kind of annoyed with ppl who x not appreciate other ppl's humble opinion/suggestion.. hello, that is why we have meetings and diskusi lah wey, if not, baik veto jerh. haa, kan tak tau veto tuh apa!
see, i snap kan?

ergh.

6. raya vs puasa.
personally dis is my far, the best puasa sbb i manage to do more. but then again, in Islam, its not necessarily your quantity but your quality in doing sth for the sake of Allah is outfar much much much more important!
hurm.. less than a week already isnt it.
lailatul qadar search mode, activated ya, not yet evacuation..
but some ppl and i mean, a lot of us have from the beginning surrender from the hunt of 1000 bulan ganjaran nie. hurm. tepuk dada tanya iman. dah besar. u think laa deeper sikit. asyik surface jerh. asyik hoo-haa jerh. hurm~

cemerlang gemilang terbilang

silly

yes, me.
spesifically yesterday!

but i thank Allah. Our family are much more stronger now. Alhamdulilah.
which makes me as well a grateful person for being in this posting psychiatry. able to interpret and tolerate better now. Alhamdulilah.

i really cant spill out the details because its very-very-very silly really and also embarrassing. but what i can share is that, in life, u need to really be feeling something is wrong with you, if Allah has never let u cry, if Allah have make everything so easy for u, and that u never feel Allah have test your sincerity and anything of yours in this so-called x permanent world.

i quote this from ILUVISLAM edition 26,
bagaimanakah kita tahu yang seseorang itu mencintai kita seandainya kita tidak pernah menguji cintanya dan kesetiannya? Adakah hanya dengan melafazkan cinta sudah cukup terbuti yang cinta itu benar-benar wujud? Kita sering menyatakan amat mencintai Allah SWT, tetapi adakah sekadar kata-kata indah di bibir yang menjadi pemanis bicara?

to prove our love, we need to be tested. thank you, Allah, the bestest help and protection.


on the another note, i met a very kamcing old skool partner n crimes fren, PEANUT CHIP BUTTER COOKIES a.ka chip-chip farhana my dearest batch Titans thrubred 0004, yesterday, in KLCC.sori, our nicknames back n schools are so not islamic at all. to think of that, i wish i was being called humaira back then! haha. Rasulullah called Aisya, humaira which means kemerah-merahan macam delima if im x mistaken.. so sweet! =)

today, i will be heading to T with cool pal Aliah.dunno what time actually...
please pray for all of our 18 ppl, a safe journey to our 'holiday' destination.
i really hope we would all be in one piece when arriving to Samudera, iA.
also, i hope that the internet is working there and that we are able to survive our 3 weeks in T.
insyaAllah, we'll find our way(s)..

korbans

boleh tak berkorban untuk group......

i had the most 'terrific' day today.

1) cancel my awaited program of the week as I am appointed by someone who apparently had type A personality which I am as well. So, you could imagine that I was also tense as well, because I need to so-called 'berkorban' for the group which memang iA i tak kesah, for the benefit of the ummah, so dun mind, ok.. But its the way the msg was written, i cn say that i am quite snap lah jugak. hurm. but its a minor issue. mayb not expectating those kind of words from the so called sumone i guess. but its ok.. i think i cud understand the tense in the person as well. as i am the only appropriate hope. i guess..

2) the journey to RC KL for our psychiatry library books took me 19 min from PJY to Ampang, fetch adik because I know I am so buta jalan and I need a man's help to carry the super tebal books, well medic books, standard lah kan.. plus another 25 min to arrive to RC KL from my house in Ampang (near highland tower.. huhu) which logically should be around 10 min jerh. its insane, jem jem jem.
Fine lah, if u compare to China, 9 days of traffic jem that stretch up to 100 km.
Bersyukur lah sgt tiba-tiba. hehe.

3) i met prof N's wife.
Thanks someone for appointing me to take the books away to T! (owh, i was exchanged to T group as initially i am in H group but because i find A needed help and she need to be in H grp more that i do, i guess, i just let go lah. dun mind, iA. its the best plan from Allah,iA.)
Back to prof's wife, she is a clinical psychologist =) , she was so sweet with Prof N tau, omg, stalker kejap. haha. and she said she knew Z's brother which apparently she said all of z's siblings have the z name in front of them as well. hurm. i really did not knoe that trivia. hehe.

4) can't wait 2finish Q. its my own personal goal. maybe T xbusy mode will help kot. iA.

5) Will be celebrating HARI MERDEKA 31ST AUGUST in T! alhamdulilah, seronok and teruja sgt nak tgk smart askars with smart uniform marching and berbaris. Am thrill! x wait!

6) tun fatimah, eh tun hasmah will be coming to college this... (not sure) but she will come to our college ok. huhu. not a big fan of mahathir but i do respect him! hee. and behind every suksesful man, there is a woman! hee, peace!

puasa reached 17th day today! =) 3 days to go.... anxious!

on the another note, my frens said i may have a bit of bipolar disorders in me.
manic most of the time and depressed tiba2 then manic balik then normal..
buekk!

;)i am me laa. fullstop!

bestest help

bateri..

in life, well, spesifically, a human functions by a bateri that Allah have long instil in us. the bateri could be a lot of things, cud be a collection of a lot of entities.

you can say,the bateri compromise of love, appreciation, your heart beating, your mind running free, mental health, sanity, etc etc.
what the bateri is in us, is not that important but wut is significant is that what if the bateri dies , without actually even reaching its expired date??

well, most of the time, we can call a mechanic if our car bateri died, or bought a new bateri if our little cousin's mainan car dun move nemo..

but how about us? some parts of our bateri can died temporarily and could even forever die if we let it and dun call out for help..

wow, there is a help.. and that is what i am learning now.. pscychiatry!

of course, our bestest help is from ALLAH. the creator of the bateri.. at the very begining!

=)

LEGA

alhamdulilah. tq Allah.
rasa lega. satu bad habit vanished!


Me:
slm kak f
sibuk ke?
sy nk minta pandangan skit
tapi x urgent lah
F:
shashu tinggal je soalan..nanti akak jwb ye
Me:
kdg2 kan kite mcm cepat sgt beremosi, menzahirkan ketidak puas san hati, di mana akhirnya apa kita ckp tuh akan berupa umpatan dan memburukkan seorang hamba Allah yg juga punya kelemahan seperti kita jugak
soalan, mcm mn kita nk elakkan dari jadi org yg terlupa begini, i.e saya lah tuh. kdg2 marah sgt, sampai terlepas ckp yg x baik, pastuh rs guilty sorang2. haih..
tq=)
F:
ingt kebaikan dia =)
Me:
wah, bernas.
tq st kak f
*sgt
sy rs lega
F: =)

ya, ingatlah kebaikan sesiapa jua yg anda burukkan itu.
tanya lah diri mu, xde langsung ke secebis kebaikan mereka kpd anda??

RENUNG2KAN..

patah hati

pening-sabar-sabar-haih

yup. pening lah. owh, i did not see at all this coming. what? organizing buka puasa in Dr R's house gives me heart break and headache.

hurm.

long story...
but the moral of the story is, sebagai seorg manusia, u, shahirah could not, n i repeat, could not satisfy i.e puaskan hati each human being that involves watever u r dealing wif. full stop.

yup. i have limitation. saya hamba Allah yg lemah. I accept that whole heartedly.

so, even i feel like jumping to the ocean, but at least, i learnt that in case in the near future, as a doctor, u shall can never satisfy each of the person that u r dealing with, i.e my otais, my bosses, my M.O, my nurses, and above all, my patients.....

i leave it to Allah to be the judge... Ya Allah, help me become a compose and solid person, tidak terinfluence dgn whatever emotions that will be campaksto me, i.e especially anger and remorse of the future super stress ppl that will iA i hope wud not be around me in the wards and in my life in the future, perhaps... ameen.

on the another note, realizing this with Aliah my bro is also interesting to me. i said that psychiatry is easy for me, compared to other posting, especially internal med and she snap back, omg shashu, i felt the other way around! huhu.
our humble conclusion: we complement each other, iA. SO sweet kan kan. hee :)

esok buka puasa at rumah Dr R at 7pm. yeay. InsyaAllah. All 15 ppl, please be der ASAP. thanx.

p/s: batch 2007 will grad in JULY 2012. Ameen. May we prove to our lecturers and the world by large, that products of CUCMS are distinct in a good-good good way... Ameen.

ACTIVATED

maybe i am a human with some sense of hopefulness in me.
even if i am all negative and swing and sad and etc, Alhamdulilah i stay hopeful. its like holding to insyaAllah, Allah will gantikan back watever i have lost or failed or etc.

maybe most of the time i am like that. sometime i dont. please remind me that i am a very hopeful person. maybe optimistic as well. maybe. InsyaAllah positive.

there are actually a lot of things that we can be grateful of. So many that we definitely lost count. DEFINITELY! one of my biggest gratefulness is an opportunity given by Allah to be a debater in UIA when i was a matriculation student back in 2005-2007 and i am still more than welcome to join their activities, even actually yesterday and today i wus involved with LIGA DEBAT KDBM that was attend by UIA GOMBAK, NILAI, PJ n KUANTAN student junior debaters. :) so proud of this enthuthiastic debaters who chose to be in AIKOL , debate, debate, all 4 rounds instead of being sumwhere else like MIDVALLEY, KLCC and byk lagi, just to name a few. :)

i am very honour when my frens appointed me to become a judge. i wus expecting to just enjoy the show sajorh. i thot izzat jones(the president) was joking around when he said, pliz judge nanti. of course lah i am indeed qualified and pernah je jadi judge... pernah jadi debater, wakil uia but it had been so long since i last debate or even be a judge... i started judging in 2nd round however.. the usul that i judged was 1) UMNO and PAS perlu bergabung, 2) azwan ali sudah tidak laser 3) biotech menjana eko. negara 4) isu alam sekitar: media massa syok sendiri and final round i went home sebab mak xde teman buka pose, abah need to go berbakti i.e business matters. hehe.

but u know, debate is all fun,fun,fun. i really miss the adrenaline.
i miss the noisy laughter when a debater manage to crack jokes and rebutt a point so bergayaly.
i miss the family sense of KDBM have.
i miss the concern seniors of how poorly u did in exam due to debate hectic training.
i miss the time i had stupid crushes on senior debaters who obviously accepted me not more than a small sister.
i miss the makan-makan time.
i miss enjoyning the show.
i miss training and all the harsh words that u can telan bulat2 for the sake of winning a comp.
i miss everyting about debate.

kak mas hug me when she need to balik awal today with all her heroes berderet2 sbb no maid, so all have to follow mommy mcm anak ayam jerh. hehe. and she said, shashu, u are indeed a loyal friend, a loyal ahli club KDBM. u shud have stayed in UIA. we need ppl like u.
so sweet of u, kak mas. muah2.
my answer? well, i am also suprise actually when i answered her that IF i am not in CUCMS, i don't think i will come back here, i dont think i will be here again if i am not in CUCMS.

why?
because only in CUCMS that i realize, that the skills of thinking creatively and OTB is SO SO IMPORTANT. our teacher/lecturer can taught us HOW TO DO SUMTHING, BUT to think why u need to do it and how to do it right or better, that involves level of thinking, it involves ability to think and rethink and think and rethink and it goes on and on... Which i gladly have had those trainings during my time as a debater in UIA.

thank you Allah for experiences that i could not BUY anywhere else in this whole world.
i am happy.
especially sharing tazkirah before every match start during the debate league:) awesome!
thank you Allah. Alhmadulilah.

rasa terharu juga bila Bro Cipul (senior coach) said, this is kak shashu and she is a legendary senior living example of a true from zero to hero ikon.

tinggi sgt award tuh. hehe. insyaAllah heroin of the ummah.. AMIN...

P/S:
esok dah start clinical posting.
hoo-ray.
geekrajingilaistiqomah mode:
ACTIVATED!

Al Baqarah:286 mode

keep up

sometimes people finds it necessary and wajibul to keep up with their comrades, peers, the whole world, U.S, Europe, bola, tennis, fashion, etc.

also important to keep up thru FB, twit,miRC, e-mail and Allah knows what else ppl do to keep up with each one another..

i however am a person with freedom, i guess. seorang yang merdeka.

owh by the way, keep up your JALUR GEMILANG my frens, show the Malaysian spirit in u, (well, at least, that the least u cn do to show ur sense of appreciation to the country where u were born and fed..)

coming back to freedom and merdeka, so why am i claiming i am such a person?
yes. simply bcoz i REFUSE to keep up with the whole world!
no notifications in the FB will freak me up, no long list of email will pump my adrenaline and nothing i guess, so far, have make me impulse to keeping up with the so-called ever changing non-stop world...

yes. in my sense of sensibleness, that is the true meaning of independence. fuull stop.

my highest concern wud go to me, keeping up of the level of my iman.
iman boleh jadi rendah, boleh turun, boleh naik.
i am more worried on my stamina to maintain my level of spirituality and perhaps making it higher if Allah permits, insyaAllah.

in this month of Ramadhan, and its already the 10th day of Ramadhan, me unable to keep up with my own nafsu is the biggest dissapointment of all. some of my dissapoinment:
1) eat eat eat and a lot. not like!
2) read Quran little and little and little. not istiqomah at all. not like!
3) isrealist soldiers keep interferring with our bro and sis in Palestin, not allowing them to terawikh in Aqsa.. wth yo?
4) baby dumping
5) accident madness
6) husband (read:useless) making misery to wife and kids

and many other insane untolerable daily neswpaper reports i cant keep up with..

may Allah forgive me for not able to keep up with my lost self, as well as the lost soul surrounding me...

if Rasulullah is among us now, what would he say? what would he response?

if u ask me, i wud just cry. i am so far away with the verse la yu kal li fullah hu nafsan illa wus nga ha...

forgive me.

one, two and twist..

No, its not the song lets twist again, like we did last summer... yeah.
but a twist of suprise.
u see, most of the time, its always easier to SAY it than to DO it.
especially the word REDHA.
Alhamdulilah.
My doubt have been answered today. i alwez doubt my ability of being redha.
After 4 days of internet fasting due to unpaid bills. hee. mak notty, lupa bayau,
happily suksesfully log in thru gmail, saw the CGP result, and

the word fail beside it, hurm.. seriously as a normal human, of course i felt, sad...
But there is a sense of accepting. Alhamdulilah.
I asked myself, fail or pass, what wud be better? i passing this and not passing in the here after, and all those reframe technique.

what Allah decided for me is the best!
actually i am just afraid that ppl , especially my hsemate wud thought that going to Imam Suhaib talk until late at nite on exam eve wud be one of the reasons dat i did not score but Allah calm me greatly by giving Sara, aishah and many other sisters who also went for the talk, a tremendously jolly high marks! so proud of u guys. as well as all my 70+ brothers and sisters in the batch who hav had ur 80 passing marks and above. yes, eighty is the passing mark for GCP certificate! cool kan? heh.
as for mine, sikit lagi tau nak pass. tapi, xpe. Alhamdulilah. this is the best:)

on the other note, pkck hd gud as well. making me jealous. in a gud way tho. nk beat dia! siap laa u.. haih!

and dear uncle,
please get well soon. my best fren's ayah, uncle zainuddin had dengue+chicken pox. warded yesterday in Amp Puteri.. kind hearts, pliz pray for uncle's speedy recovery. May this hikmah reunite and strengthen meng's family. iA..

next week, to be exact, 23rd Aug, i am officially a 4th yr med stud. hurm, may a better Shahirah u will be, shahirah. really like the group as well as i hv my sisters all lump in one grp however not in the same subgroup! not like. but to rethink again, mayb perhaps in other postings we may be able to mingle more greatly. as far as psycho posting is concern, my saviour are tim, neesa and biha! hee. at least! and at least, HKL for the Ramadhan month means going back and forth from home.. :) peace! life is heaven.

sigh!

EBM

evidence based medicine.
have not able to recall when was the first time i heard this but i am sure that it won't be my last.
yes, consider us, the CUCMS students lucky. Very-very lucky, I suppose.
because EBM is actually exposed to post graduate students :)
see, how distinct we are?
yes, very.
however, implementation of this EBM, 4 week course which ended this morning (sigh...) does not mean that it will instill a sense of more nurturing the passion to care human beings among us, because, let us all face the truth...
NOT EVERYONE IS KEEN ABOUT EBM.
Alhamdulillah I am not one of them...

insyaAllah.
I will be doing both attachment and research after my 4th year posting ends somewhere in April 2011, if Allah permits, insyaAllah ;)
pray for the best and expect for the best from Allah..

UNFOLD

dicovery-discovery-discovery
it feels great to discover
new things
new knowledge
new people
new culture
new wonders

it feels great to discover as well
already known things and knowledge
known persons we known from other parts of the world
the inherited culture
and the previous wonders we used to wonder

why?

because a new discovery of today or the past
will never fail to stimulate us and
to gear us up
for a hopeful future ahead

isn't it amazing?
along the path of discovery, you discover yourself actually..
and how Great the One that at first have created the wonders that make you love to discover and unfold either old or new things

discover-discover-discover
let us all discover the true meaning of life
the true life with meanings...

:freezing in maincampus:27Syaaban:2010

sakit

sakit untuk sihat
begitulah hari ini
aku rasa aku sakit
aku berjumpa dengan si pawang
si pawang mmg mahukan aku sihat
dgn izin Allah
namun bila mahu disihatkan
aku rasa lagi sakit
ah
kenapalah aku pergi berjumpa
si pawang
dia menyuruh aku jgn jumpa lagi dgnnya
dia kata ada org lain yg lebih afdal berbicara
tapi aku tak mahu
aku suka pawang ini
dia buat aku selesa
namun keselesaan aku membuatkan si pawang tak selesa
beransurlah kamu ke pawang perempuan yg lain
mereka jua sama handal sama ampuh

aku sedih sementara
terluka

tapi aku faham.
aku mengerti.

terima kasih.
aku tak mahu sihat utk sakit..

takkan aku ulangi lagi!

PELAN

pelan nya bermula begini
dan akhirnya berakhir pula begitu......

penat nya merancang pelan dan menjalankan serta melaksanakan pun, lagi lah penat!

marah?kecewa?terkejut? sedih? gembira? bersyukur?

ENTAH.

yang pastinya, kadang2 rasa susah mahu TERIMA pelan yang Allah rancangkan untuk kita.

KENAPA?

ya, seringkali di projection kan di minda,kan...

why and why it did not happened the way I want it to happen???

hurm.

• sebab ur NOT Allah?
• sebab kita x boleh control pon what will happen, hanya Allah lah yang punya rahsia terhadap apa yang sudah termaktub di Loh Mahfuz..?
• sebab apa yang kita rasa bagus utk kita, tak semestinya pada pandangan Allah, bagus untuk kita sebab Dia yang menciptakan kita SO Allah TAHU apa yang TERBAIK utk kita.....

Jadi, lain kali, bila the unexpected happened,
JGN marah, jgn sedih, jgn mengamuk, pissed off dan sebagainya perkara di luar dugaan yg mampu dilakukan..
JGN.......
PLEASE JUST istigfar byk2.

itu pun kalo yang unexpected tuh is something which is NOT an advantage to u.

if the unexpected gives an advantage to u?????
Ha, sure suka ekh?
sikit pun tak marah,ngamuk or sedih!
sikit pun tak rasa yang, owh yeah, Allah; your plan in THE BEST!

either yang expected atau tidak.. and especially yang tak expected tuh BAIK OR TAK untuk you! TOLONG lah bersangka baik dgn Allah :)

ok?
;)

persimpangan

its always easy and a pleasure, to write about someone you love.... Prof Hatta.

zahirnya sama saja seperti mereka

Ada telinga, mata dan serba cukup anggota
namun masih ada yang janggal di mata
seolah-olah tak pernah ku bersua
seorang hambaNya yang begitu mempesona,
zahir dan batinnya.

Ah, apa kah ini, Tuhan?

Diakah yang kau ciptakan di lintasan takdirku?
perlukah aku genggam yang terzahir ini,

di kala sepertiga malam dalam doaku?

Tapi, siapalah aku di matanya?

Aku hanyalah aku...

Yang penuh keinginan setinggi gunung, penuh kemahuan seluas lautan.

Bisa saja terbabas dari apa yang menjadi jangkauan.

atau barangkali sudah ada yang terisi di takhtanya

Ah, sejujurnya, ada saja yang lebih layak, Ya Allah.

Aku terima, namun tetap cemburu.

Cemburunya aku dengan semua yang memiliki si dia......

yang berzikir memuji Tuhan dalam semua keadaan dan ketika.

Firman Allah:

( فا ذكروا الله قيما وقعودا وعلى جنوبكم (سورة النساء : 103)

Maksudnya: "Maka hendaklah kamu menyebut dan mengingati Allah semasa' kamu berdiri dan duduk dan semasa kamu berbaring"(Surah An-Nisa': 103)

.shashu.
Dia lagi, masih...Cyberjaya, EBM.

21072010.

Funny (that its not Funny...)

funny it is, how life meets us up unexpectedly...
while in the toilet doing some business,
at the beach,
or while waiting for a bus to fetch you home sweet home,
while digging up a hole for your poor fat obese died cat,
or while hanging clothes at the backyard in a hot sunny weather,
while walking to a foodshop or shooping wildly items on sale,
or while chatting with a stranger in a strange land or sitting quietly in a gloomy library,
or when your dad is sick in a supercrazybusy government hospital,
or when you are just sad and moody and bloody,
and it could be when your car broke down, or when its heavily rain like cats and dogs,
or it might be the day you're all brutal and adventurous or goody holly in a tranquil and serena mosque, or when you decided to jog in the park with an iPod stuck like a glue, or when you decided its a bowling day hooray and picnic day owh yeah,

it is funny, how we meet up.
and how we are taken by suprise.

but indeed in Allah's works and plans, there is NO joke!

happening for a purpose
for us to ponder
and think and stir and stir

rethink again
recycle

and not only to stare

but to work on it, to appreciate and DO something!

because this whole world is 'funny'

today you're up and tomorrow you're gone~

Yet to Allah, what is worth is your heart and mind connected
purely to serve Him
and to strive your very best
not more, not less...

;) P14, Monday Morning....

maruah

cantik sungguh dunia
bila mata hati yang memandang
lihatlah dan amati, saudara-saudaraku, seagama atau tidak..

berbicaralah dengan akal dan kalbumu.
insyaAllah Yang Maha Melihat akan membukakan
dan menyingkap bagimu,
segala jawapan kemusyikilan
atas persoalan demi persoalan
maka terlerailah dengan izinNya
satu demi satu...

jadi, ayuh! Sujudlah pada yang Paling Layak Dipuji, Maha Mulia, Tuhan Yg Menciptakan aku, kau dan kita.

cantik itu di mata ku bila
semuanya ditutup kemas
longgar-longgar dan tidak striking sangat
bersih harum dan juga simple but nice

cantik di mataku
adalah bila kau bersuara
bukan untuk bermegah
tapi suara itu bergema hanya bila perlu
ada malu
tak ada goda dan lemah lembut gemersik semacam
ala, biasa-biasa saja lah kawan
asal boleh difahami dan memahamkan

cantik di mataku
bila ibu ayah
mendidik si kecil kain putih
perihal Quran dan sunnah
sejak azali
bukan diajar masuk Bintang Kecil atau catwalk model
tapi ajarlah masa depan Daulah ISLAMIAH ini
erti amar makruf nahi mungkar

cantik di mataku
waktu kita saling bantu membantu
Tanpa mahu dibalas melainkan ganjaran drpNya
bersangka baik dan juga mendoakan yg terbaik,
juga yang sama-sama mahukan bersama
bawah Redha Allah~

17072010; sri ukay, ampang...

Floria 2010

selepas pulang dari Floria Putrajaya Precint 2
menyaksikan acara flora harmoni tahunan kali ke-3
tiada kata indah yang mampu dibayangkan
kreatifnya manusa, kritisnya kamu semua, kudus benar diri terasa,
melihat ramainya manusia dtg dan pergi,
ada yang berdua, ada yang sekeluarga,
ada yang seorang,
ada yg kerepot, ada yg kontot,
ada berbagai bangsa dan agama.
mungkin berselisih aku ,
dengan seorg doktor, atau polis
atau penjenayah atau pesakit kanser
barangkali berselisih aku
dgn seorg ustazah, atau seorg yg tak tahu mengaji,
dgn seorang bakal mama atau janda beranak lima,
mungkin juga berselisih dgn seorg bakal perdana menteri
atau bakal pembangkang tegar tak kenal erti berhenti,
barangkali berselisih aku dgn bekas banduan atau
seorang gangster mencari makna kehidupan,
atau seorang murid yg bijak membaca kalam atau penuntut Universiti
yang beriya-iya mahu belajar daripada alam,
mungkin barangkali aku berselisih dgn seorg sengsara yang
dambakan bahagia atau seorang ayah yang hilang anak kala
sibuk memerhatikan dunia,
kemungkinan juga aku berselisih dgn mualaf bertuah, menerima
cahaya Ilahi dari Tuhan yg Esa, atau seorang selebriti
yang menyamar menjadi insan biasa,
kebarangkalian, aku berselisih dgn saudara jauh; bau-bau
bachang, atau musuh dalam lipatan pemandangan..
mungkin aku berselisih dgn kenalan lama di zaman aku jahiliah lemah,
atau seorg musafir yg mengembara mencari solusi keretakkan ummah~


mungkin, ya, barangkali tidak...

;)

idea

slm semua,
sikit hari lagi Rejab akan meniggalkan kita, dan Syaaban pun datang, menghulurkan amaran, ayuh, bersedialah untuk Ramadhan..
bak seorg atlit lari pecut, jika tiada persiapan training, maka jgn harap mahu bergelar juara, bertahan stamina. begitu juga dengan puasa di bulan Ramadhan. bersedialah dgn berlatih puasa dari sekarang.
jika mmg amalan mu berpuasa sunat isnin khamis, Alhamdulilah, moga ramai lagi hamba Allah yg sepertimu, jika tak mampu berbuat begitu sebelum ini, ayuh, kita sama2 mulakan, berpuasalah di bulan Rejab dan Syaaban ini sebelum berlabuhnya Ramadhan mulia...

dan melihat kepada banyaknya sajak2 ana, rasa mahu dibukukan satu hari nanti.. =)

tengoklah, jika Allah izinkan.

=)

I.M.U?

A Sacred Conversation
Published on July 6, 2010 by Yasmin Mogahed

There is a time of night when the whole world transforms. During the day, chaos often takes over our lives. The responsibilities of work, school, and family dominate much of our attention. Other than the time we take for the five daily prayers, it is hard to also take time out to reflect or even relax. Many of us live our lives at such a fast pace, we may not even realize what we’re missing.

But there is a time of night when work ends, traffic sleeps, and silence is the only sound. At that time—while the world around us sleeps—there is One who remains awake and waits for us to call on Him.

We are told in the hadith qudsi: “Our Lord descends during the last third of each night to the lower heaven, and says: ‘Is there anyone who calls on Me that I may respond to him? Is there anyone who asks Me that I may give unto him? Is there anyone who requests My Forgiveness that I may forgive him?’” (Bukhari and Muslim)

One can only imagine what would happen if a king were to come to our door, offering to give us anything we want. One would think that any sane person would at least set their alarm for such a meeting. If we were told that at exactly one hour before dawn a check for $10,000,000 would be left at our doorstep, would we not wake up to take it?
Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala has told us that at this time of night, just before dawn, He will come to His servants.

Imagine this.

The Lord of the universe has offered us a sacred conversation with Him. That Lord waits for us to come speak with Him, and yet many of us leave Him waiting while we sleep in our beds. Allah (swt) comes to us and asks what we want from Him. The Creator of all things has told us that He will give us whatever we ask.
And yet we sleep.
There will come a day when this veil of deception will be lifted.

The Qur’an says: “[It will be said], You were certainly in unmindfulness of this, and We have removed from you your cover, so your sight, this Day, is sharp.” (Qur’an 50:22).
On that Day, we will see the true reality.

On that Day, we will realize that two rak`at (units) of prayer were greater than everything in the heavens and the earth. We will realize the priceless check that was left on our doorstep every night as we slept. There will come a day when we would give up everything under the sky just to come back and pray those two rak`at.
There will come a day when we would give up everything we ever loved in this life, everything that preoccupied our hearts and minds, every mirage we ran after, just to have that conversation with Allah. But on that Day, there will be some from whom Allah (swt) will turn away… and forget, as they had once forgotten Him.

The Qur’an says: “He will say, ‘My Lord, why have you raised me blind while I was [once] seeing?’ [Allah] will say, ‘Thus did Our signs come to you, and you forgot them; and thus will you this Day be forgotten.’” (Qur’an, 20:125-126) In Surat al-Mu’minoon, Allah says: “Do not cry out today. Indeed, by Us you will not be helped.” (Qur’an, 23:65)

Can you imagine for a moment what these ayat (verses) are saying?

This is not about being forgotten by an old friend or classmate.

This is about being forgotten by the Lord of the worlds.

Not hellfire. Not boiling water. Not scalded skin. There is no punishment greater than this.And as there is no punishment greater than this, that there is no reward greater than what the Prophet ﷺ describes in the following hadith:
“When those deserving of Paradise would enter Paradise, the Blessed and the Exalted would ask: Do you wish Me to give you anything more? They would say: Hast Thou not brightened our faces? Hast Thou not made us enter Paradise and saved us from Fire? He would lift the veil, and of things given to them nothing would be dearer to them than the sight of their Lord, the Mighty and the Glorious.” [Sahih Muslim]

But one does not need to wait until that Day to know the result of this nighttime meeting with Allah (swt). The truth is, there are no words to describe the overwhelming peace in this life from such a conversation.

One can only experience it to know.

Its effect on one’s life is immeasurable.

When you experience qiyam, the late night prayer the rest of your life transforms. Suddenly, the burdens that once crushed you become light.

The problems that were irresolvable become solved.

And that closeness to your Creator, which was once unreachable, becomes your only lifeline.

I.M.U

I Miss U , U who wakes up just for the sake of Allah's pleasure.

salute!