You Learn as You Grow
The more you date, the clearer the picture you begin to develop of the kind of person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Ready for some honesty? It’s an extremely slim chance that the person you date in high school will be the person you’ll eventually marry. The first few people you date will help you establish what you want and don’t want in a lifetime partner.
Instead of dreaming up some perfect forever-mate, learn to be flexible. NO ONE is perfect. You’ll never find the knight in shining armor. We all get broccoli stuck between our teeth, and we all get dirt underneath of our fingernails.
So instead of dreaming about the perfect spouse, why not begin praying for God to help you become everything your future mate will need? Pray for the development of patience. Seek wisdom. Strive to live a life of integrity. Deepen your spiritual roots. Too many teens make the mistake of thinking, When I fall in love with the person I want to marry, I’ll become a better person. NOW is the time to start becoming the better person!
And Then Comes Love
I think most of us have it backward. We seem to think that the person we fall in love with is the person we’ll marry. Though love is an essential ingredient of marriage, the truth is, you may actually fall in and out of love several times before you finally find the person you’ll marry.
How can that happen? Easy. Here’s a scenario that illustrates it perfectly.
Jamie and Eric dated for a whole year. Jamie was head-over-heels in love with him, but Eric was just in deep “like.” He worked the evening shift at Taco Bell and met a new employee who had just moved in from out of state. She and Eric hit it off quickly, and he decided he wanted to date around. Jamie and Eric broke up, and Jamie eventually began dating someone else — Alan.
Alan was crazy about Jamie, but she had just finished her senior year, and her plan was to head off to college. Alan still had one more year of high school left. He felt deeply for Jamie, but she didn’t want to be tied down when she got to school.
Once Jamie arrived at her small Christian college, she met Jeremy in freshman English. They started dating, and it didn’t take Jamie long to fall hard. This guy was terrific! He was everything she wanted in a lifetime partner. But eight months into the relationship, Jeremy’s ex-girlfriend transferred to the same college, and the old flame began to burn again. Jamie and Jeremy broke up, and eventually she began another relationship.
That’s how it works for many people before they finally find the person they want to marry. Though you may not fall in love with several people, the fact is, you could. So the person you’ll marry probably won’t be the one you’re in love with the first few times.
Stepping Stones
You need to tiptoe on several important stepping stones before you make the step from love to marriage. Again, asking yourself some honest questions is the first place to start:
Is this the person God wants me to marry? Although today you may not be able to imagine living without him, if he’s not God’s man for you, you’ll only be miserable in the long run. So make each dating relationship a matter of prayer.
Will I have to make some compromises to marry this person? Yes, we all have to give and take, but look at little deeper. Will you have to relinquish major goals to spend the rest of your life with him? It can be OK to give up your dreams in exchange for other dreams. But make sure you really want to surrender those goals, or you’ll hold it against your partner later in life. Also — make sure it’s God’s will!
Some things should never be compromised. For instance, if the person you’re in love with isn’t a Christian and won’t go to church with you after you’re married, you’ll be giving up the dream of having a husband who is involved in the Lord’s work with you. Even though you’re in love now, it won’t be worth it later. Surrender the relationship to God and trust Him to give you someone else — or allow Him to fulfill you in other ways.
Does this person have my best interests at heart? If he loves you because you enhance his image, his career or his self-esteem, you’re not in love with the right person.
Bottom line: It’s possible to fall in love with the wrong person! Again, you must get back to letting God control your dating relationships. He wants you to be happy and fulfilled even more than YOU do!
Can you trust God to guide you in and out of your dating relationships?
Will you place your faith in His direction, believing He’s big enough to bring just the right person along at just the right time?
I’m single and have never been married. Am I worried? Have I panicked? No.Whenever I meet a new guy, I don’t have to think, How can I get his attention? I wonder if he likes me? Will he ask me out? I can relax in just being myself (friendly, fun, approachable) and trust God to work it out if it’s His will for anything to happen.
But what am I going to do until He does bring the right man into my life? Sit around and think, Why am I not married? No way! I’m having a total blast in life! I’m hopping on a plane about every other weekend, speaking somewhere, creating books and plays, teaching Sunday school, trekking through Third World countries — I’m fulfilled!
Can you find that same source of peace and security until God brings the right man into your life?
I Love Him. He Loves Me. We Feel God Guiding Us Into Marriage.
When God does give the go-ahead for marriage, you’ll know. Yeah, I know. Some of you are wondering if it’s possible for you to miss God’s mate for you.
I like to think of it as a big, exciting treasure hunt. Imagine this, OK? You have a 5-year-old son. (We’ll call him Ryan.) You get up early one Saturday and hide a ton of fun stuff in your big backyard. You’ve hidden some little cars under rocks, candy behind trees, a water gun underneath the swing, and waaay over by the sandbox, buried about 6 inches under the ground, you’ve hidden a bright, shiny treasure box filled with stuff you know he’ll go crazy over.
You’re jazzed. I mean, you can’t wait to wake him up and start him on this fun treasure hunt. Ryan runs outside and begins collecting the gifts you’ve placed in his backyard. You stand on the patio and watch, smiling and gloating in his success at finding the treasures.
An hour has passed and Ryan has found everything except the treasure chest. He knows there’s one more big prize left, so he heads in the direction of the hedge to find it. It’s nowhere near the hedge! You buried it next to the sandbox. Imagine how much you want your son to find that treasure. Would you stand quietly on the patio never saying a word?
NO! If you’re like me, you’re going to give him some pretty clear directions. “Hey, Ry! You’re headed in the wrong direction. Come back this way.” He starts toward the garage. Will you stand silently? I don’t think so. You’re so excited for him to find your gift, you’re going to make it as obvious as you can. “No Ryan. It’s not over there. Head toward the sandbox, OK?”
It works the same with God. He wants you to find His gifts even more than you do! As your loving god, will He stand silently and simply watch you head in the wrong direction? No. He’ll do everything He can to let you know where His treasure is waiting. That’s why daily communication with the Lord is so important. The more time we spend with Him, the clearer His will for our lives becomes.
You’ll probably fall in love with a few treasures before you actually find His treasure created specifically for you. Even though you may think nothing else could be more beautiful, trust Him with the valuables. His lifetime treasure-mate will fulfill you far more than anyone you find on your own.
My prerequisite is, “Can this man and I together do more and be more for God than we can separately?” If not, I shouldn’t even consider marrying him.
Above all, keep god as the very center of your relationships; and, yes, that includes dating, falling in love, breaking up, falling back in love, becoming engaged and eventually getting married.
This article appeared in Brio magazine. Copyright © 1998 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
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