saya hamba tuhan layak diuji

pertamanya, sgt terkejut. suami puan norhafiza meniggal hari nie. pagi tadi. di jalan yg aku balik rumah, balik putra.. etc.

terkejut sbb satu, baru hari tuh nampak puan dgn suami dia, sweet sgt. tiba2 dh tak ada.

aku yg sape2 xde kena mengena nie pun rasa kehilangan.
bayangkan puan hafiza, baru 20 lebih, mengandung anak pertama, 31 minggu..

sedih, kecewa, terkejut.. semua ada.

i am indeed in my denial state.

biar betul?

betul..

dan sebyk mn aku nak bende tuh utk tak happen to puan norhafiza especially sbb dia tgh sarat mengandung.. tapi kun fa ya kun.. janji allah itu benar. rahsia ajal maut tetap dlm pengetahuan Allah sahaja..

dan aku yang xde kena mengena nie, rasa mati tuh dekat sgt. ya allah, mati?

bukan takut, sbb yg hidup pasti mati. itu sunatullah. tapi, kdg2 kita tak pikir kan, betapa kehilangan org yg kita syg itu, suatu ujian yg bukan calang2 org boleh hadapi.. ya allah, adakah ini suatu cara allah nk ingatkn kita, suami pn norhafiza kna 'berkorban' utk sedarkan sy dan kita yg mati tuh dekat, yg segalanya kuasa allah, dan yg penting sekali, byknye dosa sy or kita buat , yg allah nk uji n balas thru ujian mcm nie..

dh lama aku tak berdoa seperti doa aku zuhur tadi.. ya allah, matikan lah aku dalam islam, dalam iman, dalam keadaan Kau redha padaku, dan aku ulang dan ulang doa ini untuk mak abah, adik beradik, sahabat, saudara mara dan guru2 aku.. dan aku sedekahkan fatihah bukan sahaja utk arwah encik firdaus (suami puan norhafiza) tapi aku tak semena2 teringt arwah baem, (ustaz sy yg ajar alif ba ta, meninggal sbb motor accident), arwah moyang...

semua yg terjadi yg lead to how a person die, is juz a reason.. to gv a reason to it, walhal, mmg sudah dh ditakdirkn.. cuma mungkin aku susah nk terima.. masih lg susah nk terima kematian yg unexpectedly terjadi. kalau mmg dh tua, dh sakit, cancer, etc obvious, mungkin mcm, tak apelah, dia dh tua, dia sakit, dia cancer.. ders a reason that i cn hold tuh tapi tak semua bende bawah kuasa tuhan yg memerlukn a reason for me for it to happen.. kun fa ya kun, dlm surah yasin,allah berkehendakkan jadi, maka jadi lah..

dan aku hamba, punya banyak pilihan selagi aku hidup atas izinNya. banyak pilihan utk berjaya, utk membangunkn ummah, untuk buat yg terbaik dan hanya yg terbaik dlm setiap perbuatan dan amalan.

dan bila aku ingat niat aku nak tgk filem karaoke semalam, ada 2 bende yg ade dlm otak aku. satu, nak pegi or tak? nak pegi; boleh... tapi after zuhur tadi, aku weigh kan, ape bende dlm dunia nie yg aku boleh let go utk Allah, kalo aku pg movie tuh aku rase dekat tak to allah, dan terus aku boleh ckp tak... jadi, aku redha. biarlah aku tak pergi tgk ZA kat movie, selagi aku rase bende tuh tak buatkan aku dekat pada allah..

ya allah, bantu aku jadi hamba yang tahu dan sedar bahawa aku layak diuji...

puan norhafiza, takziah.. allah lebih sayang arwah..
future baby, ya allah panjangkan umurnya, sebuah kekuatan bagi ibunya..

alamakk...

crius wey, xde langsong mood nk belajar. revise. padahal exam lagik brape jam lagik// rabu VIVA, khamis final jawaab2 atas kertas bisu// pergh. tahniah lah. nieh kalo si zubeq and aliah sure dan menggeletar satu badan, tremor pgg buku babe. dgn si parvin jugak. aiyo shashu i not yet finish dis, not yet finish dat. chill lah parvo, aku lagi lah br gear 1. haha. asal aku gelak wey? no idea. heh. plus dgn bestnya aku nk jumpa my zahiril adzim. wee. oi,oi. bukan bf laah. sori. kat wayang laah. (kata ko nk exam rabu? boleh lagi tgk movie?? ) ala, filem karaoke nieh seminggu jerh tau. dari 26hb smpi 2hb jerh. so, time wikend pehal xpg? ala, adik xnk teman r, lagipun klcc aku reti r. nieh midval. ya,ya aku org kl.. tapik xlepas lagik kot nk drive g mid. nanti aku cuti smiggu after posting public health tercinta, aku ronda ekh. no worries. haha. nway, baney leman dh bagik green light. or rather a reply of suka hati u rrr. cis, sbr je r. nway, dia pon bg r idea yg bernas gak. u park kat putra, u naek komuter, g klcentral, turun..g midval. wee. ya, selalu dilakukn time matric dulu.. so, boleh2. mission possible. (;
ZA, here i come.. wee. (ya, sy sorang nk pg midval esok nk tgk karaoke pukul 4 atau 6.30.. owh tidak pasti.. bergantong kpd doctor sabariah tercinta.. cepat lah habes tutor mu. wee. )

dan doakan kebahagiaan VIVA and final public health ku di kala menjawab penuh yakin and berhemah? ameen. thanks.

thank you juge pade tuanku zubalqiah kerna sudi mencemar duli ke email patik bagi mempas kan notes2 PH yg mantaps. (:

wee. daa. shahirah, study2. esok joli jap.. pastuh balik sepang, study and study..pastu grand refelction, joli balik kat PD. yeehaa. pastuh, dah2! study2.. (: )

mak, nie kakak..

dearest shashu..
hows life.. i knoe its been long since i called u. or write to u. im juz confuse myself.. as much as u r. dun worry.. life is hard. of course. but it would be a lot harder if u dun live it up.. dun let the others, let u down.. dont allow them.. never. so what if u r not lady D, or body perfect or genius straight As.. so what, shuu? it dosent matter to me as long ur comfortable in being u. rite? well, its deir lost if dey find u not updated or oldy or wut not. juz be u. dats at least, u cn do for ur own sake.. n wut does matter is act wut Allah wud thnk about u.. rite? so, wut wud Allah be thnkng bout u, huh? hv u go thru today better than yesterdy?

well, to tell u d truth, iv been having some confusion, u see. as much s ur confuse either to let go or stay.. im confuse of life and how easily influence i am to d ppl around me. take for example when a fren, (u knoe whch one..;)) complaints to me about a lecturer, well, i shud juz listen, rite? im so mad wif myself.. i shud gv her/him a gud example. not to back stab or say bad thngs about ur teacher.. but i ended up being joining and adding up where necessary to hr complaints! haiyo.. ape cer nie.. mn leh mcm nie woo. haih!

owh, mun is getting married u knoe.. i felt like iv lost a part of me, but i need to let her go.. she needs to go.. to fly. to a better place.. i wish i cud only be hpy for hr.. but i cant help in being sad, bcoz she wont be der for me.. not dat much anymore, as she'l be busy with a new life. living with a new someone.. its always about me, isnt it? i alwez felt im the victim.. im the loosing side. and i dun thnk about the othr side. how does she feel.. or sumtimes, how do u feel.. whch im sori as well, shash.. der r times, i broke my promises. or mayb almost all d time. im alwez punctual for other ppl. but for u, the nearest fren of me, i juz delay. delay in everything. esp d gus ones...

im sori. thou i knoe i shall b forgiven, but still, i need u to let go of it.. of those confusions. of those hate, jealousy and selfishness whch i knoe, its not like u meant it, but as much as i let go of the thngs i wish i cud, but cud not; i wish n hope that ur much stronger than i am.. which u are! and will alwez be! :)

luv, ME..