azure means blue sky

whats my mind like?
headwire.
loud.
unresponsive.
aggresive.
complicated.

sometimes i just wanna show ppl, how bad they are by being dem.
but it turns out that the one dat feels bad, is not dem. but double me.

i had the same dream twice.
gotta do sth about it.
its about me missing my flight.
last night got another dream of vietnam war.

my life is kinda shaky right now.
wish i would be right of the whys....

i hate it when i miss sumone who dosent even have an inkling magnitude of importance of me in deir life. dis is a horrible feeling.

pengasih

it was scary. to see the seniors doing their osce. with those strange noises every like 3-5 min. well, the truth is, i feel nothing. na daa. nope!

maybe i am myself exhausted. exhausted of being over sleep or what?

i dun think so. it has been some nightmare these couple of days. with abah not that well, with some unexpected gifts, with the PSY Community Project in old folks home, and in between of speculating of the future... there are also some juniors approaching me for advice. am not sure i am the correct person for them to collect any valid advices but then again, but i gv my best shot nway. dat is why i wud love to one day have a club of my one. secret lah lagi the details. well, i am still fighting with time and all the running thoughts and ideas. maybe all i need to do is to settle down. or maybe to let go. talking of letting go, we went to Pengasih yesterday, all 3 and 7 of us. it was a very eye opening. they used approach name therapeutic community where a survivor will become a mentor to the new ones. am very shock to see the slumber speaker in front of me is a survivor of drug abuse. salute. salute. salute.

kan Allah dah berfirman, Aku tak akan ubah nasib mu melainkan kau mengubahnya sendiri. the change is in your hand.

and today is the day. i am going to put a brave face esok. for role play and poem closing ceremony... deep breath, ashu. deep n very deep, now!

insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan urusan kami. Ameen...

mak, nie kakak..

dearest shashu..
hows life.. i knoe its been long since i called u. or write to u. im juz confuse myself.. as much as u r. dun worry.. life is hard. of course. but it would be a lot harder if u dun live it up.. dun let the others, let u down.. dont allow them.. never. so what if u r not lady D, or body perfect or genius straight As.. so what, shuu? it dosent matter to me as long ur comfortable in being u. rite? well, its deir lost if dey find u not updated or oldy or wut not. juz be u. dats at least, u cn do for ur own sake.. n wut does matter is act wut Allah wud thnk about u.. rite? so, wut wud Allah be thnkng bout u, huh? hv u go thru today better than yesterdy?

well, to tell u d truth, iv been having some confusion, u see. as much s ur confuse either to let go or stay.. im confuse of life and how easily influence i am to d ppl around me. take for example when a fren, (u knoe whch one..;)) complaints to me about a lecturer, well, i shud juz listen, rite? im so mad wif myself.. i shud gv her/him a gud example. not to back stab or say bad thngs about ur teacher.. but i ended up being joining and adding up where necessary to hr complaints! haiyo.. ape cer nie.. mn leh mcm nie woo. haih!

owh, mun is getting married u knoe.. i felt like iv lost a part of me, but i need to let her go.. she needs to go.. to fly. to a better place.. i wish i cud only be hpy for hr.. but i cant help in being sad, bcoz she wont be der for me.. not dat much anymore, as she'l be busy with a new life. living with a new someone.. its always about me, isnt it? i alwez felt im the victim.. im the loosing side. and i dun thnk about the othr side. how does she feel.. or sumtimes, how do u feel.. whch im sori as well, shash.. der r times, i broke my promises. or mayb almost all d time. im alwez punctual for other ppl. but for u, the nearest fren of me, i juz delay. delay in everything. esp d gus ones...

im sori. thou i knoe i shall b forgiven, but still, i need u to let go of it.. of those confusions. of those hate, jealousy and selfishness whch i knoe, its not like u meant it, but as much as i let go of the thngs i wish i cud, but cud not; i wish n hope that ur much stronger than i am.. which u are! and will alwez be! :)

luv, ME..

it dosent matter, dosent it?

tulus mulus tgn ku menules...

tak semena-mena,

terkenang wajah seorang musafir...

heh~


sgt2 memohon agar diriku bersatu..
masih byk langkah perlu diatur agar tak tersungkur dan nmpk canggung..
shahirah, hidupkan hidupmu dgn sesungguhnya, kerna DIA.....

era shazeera! @ er-er.. nah!!

kerap kali ku bermimpi..

kau gelar dirimu sultan dan aku hamba..
bila aku terjaga kau adam dan aku hawa..
bukankah aku sudah cukup tersiksa terjerat dalam sangkar emas..
aku ini kan sebahagian daripadamu..
utk kau hormati..sayangi.utk kau lindungi sampai ke hujung nyawa.
aku kalut dan penuh amarah.
benci dan tersentap aku entah bila kau pura-pura senyum dan berkata manis kalah madu disalut gula..
topengmu mungkin sudah lali dgn drama swasta sampai aku tidak puas melihatnya lagi dan lagi.
aku masih rindu kau yg dulu.dulu kau tenang dan damai.
tapi masa merubah dirimu menjadi bengis dan penuh dendam.
apakah jendela takkan terbuka lagi?
masih mahukah sang pelangi memunculkan diri mengubati hatiku yang walang gersang dek tindakanmu yang membabi buta mengheretku ke satu daerah melemaskan semangat dan kalbuku.
aku kalah dalam menilai keluruhanmu.
sungguh aku malu berdamping dengan si penakut lagak berani.
walau dunia bertempik memanggil kau hero perkasa, tapi percayalah, aku masih lagi bernafsu untuk bisa membezakan lauk yg busuk dan lazat. masih waras utk membezakan mana angin mana api.


sudahlah hati..
sabarlah..
jangan terlalu berdalih.
satu hari yg benar pasti menang.
satu hari yg terpenjara pasti akan bebas.
hapuskanlah sangkar emasku.
aku mahu ke langit biru.ku rindu berada dalam dakapan awan bahagia.
sultan yang adil sudah lama mangkat dalam sanubariku.
aku hamba merdeka.merdeka dari letih dan penat.

sudahlah hati..
tidur sahaja.
hari esok pasti akan pergi jika hari ini tak kau perangi habis-habisan.
ayuh mimpi. bawaku pergi..

pergi ke suatu tempat suci tanpa raja berhati batu berlagak gagah!

SEPI

wilayah cinta bertaburan musnah
dijajah dendam amarah
amuk si penagih janji mengungkit setia
sepi kembali menerjah jiwa
tak mampukah aku melayar bahagia bersama abadi?
tak layakkah aku merindu sang bulan?
sungguh2 ku pujuk bundar kelopak mata menahan sebak bertandang
biarlah..
biarlah harapan memagari bintang
pada mentari sore ku berpaut
terangilah alam walau hatiku kelam!