Titansgivesback2.0

titansgivesback 2.0  #reflection  Minggu lepas, hari ini, kami berkumpul, di sekolah lama penuh kenangan.  Yg berkesempatan meluangkan masa adalah ida, nuhe, karu, nana, jeje, raie, dylod, ern, beng, ayie, didiey, piko, matun, john, winny, shidod, imah, zoulliey, nickaisy and qetemp.. Selalunya aku laungkan saja di fb batch tapi nuhe cadangkan dijemput secara peribadi terutamanya yg berkesempatan join titansgivesback di tkc lama tahun lepas. ampun pada yg tak diberitahu.. masa berjalan laju, and all of a sudden we have enough 20 ppl..dlm sibuk, didiamkan saja dan takde announcement di fb...  Hurm. All and all, basisnya ada. Terarah. Kalau di umur 16/17 tahun aku kira mereka bertuah kerna soalan mahu jadi apa itu ditanya awal dan dikerjakan dgn baik oleh kaunselor yg aku kira proaktif kerna menjemput batch kami. Ada yg bilang sama aku, batch kita biasa jer tapi sedar tak sedar, we have did 2x program dgn junior:) walaupun aku xtau nk respon mcm mana, tapi aku mampu senyum. Alhamdulilah. Kita tak bisa memberi kalo kita tiada apa. Allah izinkan kita memberi. Dan tgn yg memberi lebih baik drp menerima. Yg memberi pun nescaya akan menerima jua:)  Jujurnya Holland RIASEC code adalah salah satu indikator yg baik sbg kayu ukur kecenderungan minat kita. on thah day, investigative paling ramai, sampai pecah 2 grup.. Ramai minat doktor, engineer, science stuff mcm chemist, biologist, pharmacist, scientist..  Atau mungkin kita perlu lebih pendedahan drp golongan ini. Atau org yg punya ilmu terhadap pekerjaan2 yg ada especially berkaitan scn stream..  Tapi kadang suara hati kecil bertanya, apa matlamat akhirnya? akhirnya apa?  aku harap apa saja persoalan yg ada di benak adik2 sedikit sebanyak mereka ada basis utk lebih meneroka. 2) dapat keazaman baru utk ambil tahu perihal kerjaya idaman dan bukan berangan mat jenin saja  3) rapatkan ukhwah batch jugak. Sungguh terharu dgn sebegitu byk komitmen kwn2 tapi still make it. Each of us must hv our own reasons but may whatever reason it is, moga Allah balas setiap inci perkongsian masa n pengalaman korang dgn adik2:) 4) adik2 get to THINk, bout deir life..lagi awal lagi bagus.. skill yg aku rasa zaman teknologi nie org kurang..kurang nk fikir.. Kadang baca soalan diaorg, mostly high tech question.. Rasa mcm nk ajar jer soalan apa yg patut ditanya. Lol. Tapi for the fact mahu bertanya, that is a first step to bergerak ke arah impian and not stop there.. Harapnya mereka faham yg we will wanna use all ruang n peluang utk memajukan diri. But not everyone can be a head gurl. Not everyone can be given a scholar. tapi apa yg kita ada, kita gunakan dlm kapasiti kita utk jadi yg terbaik..   Fuh.. Panjang.  akhirnya, milik Allah lah result akhirnya. Kita usaha and moga dgn usaha kita, Allah beri yg terbaik.. Allah syg org yg bermanfaat. Moga semangat yg ada pada kakak2 dijuangkan oleh adik2 semampunya. Long way to go, yup. But every journey starts with a step. this is iA one of the steps for more courage and inspirations to sambung more steps towards a better future. InsyaAllah.   Again, thank you Allah for allowing all hearts to gather dis day.  Lets make a better program next.  😊

Demi Masa!

So, dats y dey invent camera! So dat u could remember! Hee.
November have been nothing but awesome! :) i did a lot of beneficial things, alhamdulilah, let's go through randomly, without any turutan abjad..

A) HEROES Conference , UIA
B) higland tower 2.0 poster making and protest
C) viva palestina malaysia volunteer at BSC Bangsar Shoping Centre  on tuesday this week!
D)  aquaria klcc outing with mak su and the kids n salamah and i ordered from shida foods to help her out with the sanding and all
E) kevin JOM Kurus prog n i bought his ebook! Alhamdulilah have shed 4kg so far. Not much, long way to go but i have a sense of change in me and i like that power, alhamdulilah..
F) palestin DEMO with 3 NGO , IKRAM, AL AQSA SYARIF and HALUAN :)  along with my bestfren ida hadi! :) meng cant come, she needs to prepare for upsr announcemnt :)
G) shopping with mak after so long!!! :)
H) help maya, reunion dgn Dr norhin, went to MMC
I) medical check up n sunathon in masjid besi!! 25112012  i was a bit dissapointed with the juniors!! Lambat dtg n kurang efficient :(
J) help drawing for mak su for her amali bahasa n cognitive for taska sijil exam :) cayo maksu!!!
K) settle my ETIQA insurance in jln maarof! God know how hard it is to sampai here.. Oh my! Alhamdulilah ETIQA sgt mantap layan customer, rs sgt smmoth n comfy,  alhmdulilh.  N the customer service exec siap tanya a lot bout palestin after tgk ashu punya mufler palestin!! :) n alhamdulilah i brought some pamphlet from VPM so she takes one n really appreciates it! :)
L) settle my DBKL compound sbb parking line kuning (i dunno how to masuk BSC so just park outside!) so i thot dbkl compound dlm rm50 je kot n tgk2 my offence is rm150 minimum charge! Oh my, terus tekan button C for rayuan... I will say something asal bukan rm150! Dats in my mind. But alhamdulilah, u knoe what, the kind sir sign my compound kertas n tules situ cancel.. Ok, you tak payah bayar apa2! Alhamdulilah. Allah hu akhbar, and yes dat is after sets of  questions and the most win question is 'mana dapat muffler palestin nie?' ;) allah hu akhbar! Tq sir, im sori i didnt ask for ur name but ur kindness is in my prayers! :) tq Allah! I hav experienced rezeki tanpa di sangka-sangka :) and indeed, i will remember dis! Tq Allah! N u knoe wut, actually dat Dbkl tuh, sgt dekat dgn uob tempat kerja mak nel n mmg sgt sebelah SOGO! :) hee. Tahu lots of tempat already! :) suka!!!!

Bebelness

Hey u, how's life? I heard ur lapse of time wif the research goin on.. Hope u'll able to catch up.. :) life so far for me have been Ok i guess, Alhamdulillah.. Things are falling into plans :) at least to me :) heard some problem regarding the left unands students and i dun really like how they react to mmc personally..  I understand dey r old and have wife but the way u said it is like u dun hav a great connection with Allah.. Yes, am damn judgemental but sori to say, this connection is not only on the prayer mat but also reflect in our words and conversation.. As if xde nilai bersyukur pun!! Hurm.. Its true dat desperate ppl are in fact desperate but u cn choose to be calm.. Our fate does not lies in our hand but is milik Allah! I hope dis ppl really learn sth!! Hurm.. Despite me being kesian to dem but stillll, live up to ur matureness lah.. Do sth, usaha..doa, tawakal.. And keep on bersanka baik dgn Allah.. A reminder for me too! Yes yes.. Hee. K, daa..

Compass redirecting #change

Dear blog, september was awesome! Alhamdulilah, i finish med school :)
Convo 10/10 and my bufday 16/10 ; did my first pedicure.. Terus nak jaga kaki bebaik.. Coz the before and after sgt lah pergh.. :)
We had our first studio picture together as family and the double joy sbb me and adek grad together.. Adek amek bpharm :) and already start working on my bufday!! :) *proud* me? Nak rilekx dulu and knowing me who cud finish matrix uia for 1 and a haf year instead of 2 years dat i dun regret taking.. I think as salwa  said to me on our long talk in her awesome house in percint 11! Cantek sgt! She said, in watever it is.. Perhaps its best not to fret and n jus follow the flow! :) and as i cn chose when to apply, i think 16 nov wud be a gud start.. A month after my bufday.. Hee. Start fresh! Nobody wants to work zombies like HO but its sth dat everyone go through i guess. This 2 years of wajibness.. Pengalaman. Bila MO nanti, lagi lah besar t/jawabb.. :) nak jawab depan Allah lagikkk:) #renung2kan selmt beramal :)

All the best sahabat2 yg berkhidmat utk ummah di pelosok negara!! My prayers are wif u!!

Nearly gold..

1. Another human. So stranger yet so close to heart. Have not seen eye to eye, hear ears to mouth but am really touch by azizulhasni awang. His life, his wife, family.. His support.. His effort. I am so out of words. Tq Allah for this roketman. My life change. I look foward to be a champion myself. If jijoe can do it, i can! :) best 6 in the world.. #olympiclondon.. P/s: chris hoy is 36!!! Take dat. Strong n healthy. Oh my. Gold summore. Sungguh, bismillah. Maha pemurah, maha penyayang...

Olympic roket life of mine...

July was a good month. Thiugh i would like to ganti with a more negative word but it does not help to make it more positive so just let's just be postive! (don't understand either, but u got wut i mean..)

So let's talk about today.. 4 august 2012.
Watched azizulhasni awang the pocketroketman saringan today. Am exhausted actually, back from midvalley doing groceries with crowded ppl, bla3 with una which was right after a program in seksyen 14 for yaUM! A bancian for the flat areas there, to knoe their income and what types of help we could offer.. It was quite sad actually. I wonder how life would be living in a congested place like dis. One of the house i banci, the 13 y.o boy with 5 siblings, plus parents.. :( i am so shock. Not that i have not heard of such things but hearing it live myself is a bit mind boming. The good part of this is I met syahidah, a very mature girl. I felt talking to a prime minister with her! :) very informative, critical thinking.. It have been long since i have a good talk and what a small world it is, she is a ex matrix uia pj and we are frm the same batch, she mention farah aqilah and farhana when i told her im frm tkc (y do pplmask what highschool we r? I dun.. Dunno y. Haha) and w/0 doubt i said they were my juniors. Omg... Then when few minutes, (yes, minute!!!!) baru lah, eh aah, nana.. But i still forgot who is farah aqilah when suddenly muka mao muncul and its already too late to tell her actually she's not my junior bcoz im too embarassed to admit. Haha.

Ok, my time is up. I need to wake up early tomorrow bcoz got date with prof at 9 am. Omg, apa pon xsiap lagi. My mental need to be as tough as pocketroket ok! Walaupun aku tak poket tapi tetap perlu roket!!!!!!!! Allah hu akhbar. I can, u can, we allllll can! InsyaAllah! ( ada gaya obams tak?) hehe.

tarikh yang crucial

Taken from Wednesday, July 6, 2011 my blog, dedicated to all batch 2007.. its an honour to be growing up with u guys... =)


titik


macam pelakon tak reti berlakon

macam tu lah yg aku rasa

medical student yg tak boleh blah

bakal tabib yg penakut

dan hari ini adalah salah satu dari hari-harinya

utk menggambarkan rasa kebodohan yang aku buat-buat telan mcm sedap

terdampar telantar

jauh makin jauh

mengharap yang bukan-bukan

melihat hina semua

walhal yg lebih hina ialah 4 jari yg menunding balik

aku serius mahukan pemberontakkan seperti YingLuck, Tehran dan Su Kyi



perang kali ini aku kalah kerna aku mengalah

aku biarkan impian aku berehat

biar dan biar dan biar

hingga terbiar

busuk dan bernanah

hati yang kacau bilau huru hara dan tak tenteram akibat tak bersemadi dgn fitrah

apa lagi yang kau mahukan dari dunia

banyaknya mahu dan kurangnya memberi



ku tabik pada manusia2 yg lupa pada erti penat

pada manusia biasa yg tak menjadikan obstacle kehidupan sebgai nokhtah pada usaha kental seorang hamba yang wajar sewajarnya work damn hard kerna hasilnya adalah hak Allah

buat apa bimbang?berusahalah, segigihnya.

sudah lama kau tidur lena mcm mati

hingga hidup pun tak sedar, bernafas mcm terpaksa

apa lagi yg tak kena ....

apa lagi yg nk ditunggu?

masa hibernasi sepatutnya sudah tamat long long time ago



titik.
 

the day after adik was born...

i appreciated today..
i remember my past..
i get frustated with now..
n get understood with an unexpected question..

be very close with the sun.. as if i am able to hold it in my hands..
Alhamdulillah.
tq Allah..
for today..
even tomorrow may bring another challenge..

i remember how it feels like going through a hurdle.
i wasn't the best of doing it.
but i was sumhow the one need to do it anyway..
deal with it.. finish it up!
face it..... sth dat u need to go through....

of course u'll be scared... afraid of wut would might happen.. or will happen..

through my life, i was not the best.. dream of being the best..
but i was not.. though in some situation, i was lucky that the environment lead me to appear superior
but 'the best' of that era stays in that era..
and in most of 2nd decade i'm going thru...im purely average.

im not gonna fail.
not gonna waste my time.
not gonna cry.
im gonna fight!
coz im a fighter and Allah makes us as a fighter prior to development of XY, XX
Allah makes us a fighter where in every human, there is nafs... and its our iman n will that will help save us in the battle..

o Allah, 2 weeks more..
help all of us pass the finishing line together..

ameen ya rab bal ala min...

seribu kali

dear, I'm not sure if u could understand dis, but i dun mind if u wanna scold me hard and then hug me and say, u knoe it's not my fault. that i shud have tried harder, that i shud chose other things and not this. U know that it's hard for me too. Just those words, i guess. I just need to cry. to let it out. Selfish is it? I hope not. It's not my intention to make everyone sad. I have a dream, to make a better hospital environment. We don't need more hospitals. We need more people who can tolerate hospital workloads. I really want the hospital to be staff friendly. to be patient friendly. to be islamic. as islam is the way of life. but i know. words are always easier said than done. i can tell u a lot of stuffs and facts and stories but the truth is, there is so little of contribution and action that i am taking part in. i really felt ashame of myself. i felt that wif u scolding me, will ease up my pain and guilt but yes, again the one that i hurt most would be my creator. o Allah, i have fail u greatly. is der a way back home? im home. but i dun feel like home. am trapped wif my weakness and selfishness. o Allah, save me, save the ones that loves me, and the ones that i love. save me from all the things that i think i cud not do. last 2 days, a murabbi said this to us....

Dan sesiapa yang bertaqwa kepada Allah (dengan mengerjakan suruhanNya dan meninggalkanlaranganNya),nescaya akan dijadikan baginya jalan keluar (dari segala perkara yang menyusahkannya).Serta memberinya rezeki dari jalan yang tidak terlintas hatinya. Dan (ingatlah), sesiapa berserah diri bulat-bulat kepada Allah, maka Allah cukupkan baginya (untuk menolong danmenyelamatkannya). Sesungguhnya Allah tetap melakukan segala perkara yang dikehendakiNya. Allah telahpun menentukan kadar dan masa bagi berlakunya tiap-tiap sesuatu.(Ayat 2 & 3 Surah At-Talaq @ ayat seribu dinar.

tak sangka ayat ini begitu menyentuh hati. and i cried without noticing. Allah.. thank you.. it's ifiniti value for me, not only seribu dinar :)

i luv u, Allah.. i do.

p/s: plis Allah, grants the F5 tkc students, be interested towards our coming.. let this pertemuan be a blessed event. ameen. and the rest, terpulang pada kau, ya Allah. segalanya milik kau..

desir angin seperti memujuk

Awan putih bergerak memberi harapan

Hujan turun lagi seolah-olah seperti rindu dgn aku yang dulu

Langit putih diconteng burung-burung terbang

Pokok tumbuh tak pernah putus asa walau terik garang

Terus tumbuh

Mereka lebih mulia drp aku

Yg takut

Takut dgn bayang, takut dgn petir yg dibaling,

Entah dari mana aku belajar

Utk takut dgn takdir Tuhan

Ya Allah, aku mahu kembali

Aku mahu terbang

Aku mahu semua yg aku mahu

puteh

had a dream of sumone whom i did not know who..
he was wearing dis jubah, white in color, wif a kopiah. a nice smile.

none other than anyone dat i knew.

O Allah, if its gonna be like dat.. than waiting is worthwhile... i guess. perhaps. InsyaAllah...

sem sep!

1. video claim drp maya

2. ilmu hx

3. video PE

4. ix interpretation

5. mx mx mx

6. abolish penangguhan

7. stop tambah perencah

8. Plis plis. 4 bulan jer lagi!

azure means blue sky

whats my mind like?
headwire.
loud.
unresponsive.
aggresive.
complicated.

sometimes i just wanna show ppl, how bad they are by being dem.
but it turns out that the one dat feels bad, is not dem. but double me.

i had the same dream twice.
gotta do sth about it.
its about me missing my flight.
last night got another dream of vietnam war.

my life is kinda shaky right now.
wish i would be right of the whys....

i hate it when i miss sumone who dosent even have an inkling magnitude of importance of me in deir life. dis is a horrible feeling.

pelan

academic

sem 10:

1. organize based on colour ;blue, pink, orange, yellow :)



2. revise surgery
   

non sem 10 :

1. read all books yg termampu... :)
   
   

non-academic

family:selasa wif m su, bw nek jln, visit pk lng, lawat ajue, visit pak long? lawat atok busu? , dating dgn sally, amad? mokhtar? mak intn;ajib,ashid, lawat mak am;belikan ikan haruan, lepak rumah Dr M

frens: rabu dgn laila izyn , meng khamis? , isnin depan lawat mak qishy?, lepak dgn HO ktn yuen, mama:) , lepak dgn ija plus mak,

weight hurmmmm bye.

voucher buku lagi seratus~ rabu kl central MPH bookstore! after dgn izyan..

masak blaja dgn mak er er :D , salin resipi drp nenek

BM isi form plus istikharah

travel , esok jumpe chip2 iA, PD nxt week or sepang gold coast jah~

kursus haji?

sental bilik

kemas bilik underground ukays

Settle usrah video dgn yr 4 :)

kuat harimau

this song by kelly clarkson explains it all. i am going to be stronger with or without u..


You know the bed feels warmer,
Sleeping here alone,
You know I dream in color,
And do the things I want.


You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone.


Think you left me broken down
Think that i'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong.


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.


What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone.


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, Myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.


You heard that I was starting over with someone new,

They told you I was moving on over you,
You didn't think that I'd come back ,i'd come back swinging
You try to break me but you see


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.


What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
doesn't mean I'm over cause your gone.


what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me


You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning..... in the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
doesn't mean I'm over cause you gone.

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, Myself and I
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Dosnt mean I'm lonely when Im alone.


Copied from MetroLyrics.com

profesional

pro exm 2 nie post day 1 mcm rilek jerh. bahaya btol..

teringt "amd"

istigfar jap.

jauh lagi perjalanan..

ingt nk susun folder dlm laptop nie cantik2..biar semangat skit msk sem1o..

iA seblom 10, semua lulus pro2. ameen.

teringat tazkirah bg kat hangmidah..

kalo kita takut sgt fail pro2, cuba compare kalo kita mati harini.. kita fail depan Allah.. takut tak?
tak?
tak terfikir pun kan...

so, xpayah takut sgt pro 2 kalo dgn Allah pon xtakut...

dgn kata lain, be prepared je lah. pertolongan Allah itu dekat. kita ada Allah, iA e/thng possible. tiada yg mudah melainkan Allah mudahkan :)

berjuang mode activated!!!

gogogo

dear shash, be strong lah. sikit je headache tuh. stress kot, tapi blank gle stress. heh.
byk lagi tak revise. yg xbrapa sentuh is surgery, ong, ortho.. pon xtau apa yg bc IM, PAEDS, and the rest mcm ape jerh.
ok, dh start takut.

bye..

:)

matters

U pernah bc letters to sam?

Hurm. Ada apa lah dgn buku nie.
X wait nk beli and bc after pro 2! The most important xm dis starting year! :)
IA buat yg terbaik! Ironi sgt skrng tgh taip blog! Haha.
But x help it.
It's 1 jan 2012 alrite.rugi lah x conteng cni. Hee.

Bila selak balik 2011.. Hurm.
Mmg sgt pelbagai.
2010 was hard for me. Adaptation was a big issue.
When it comes to 2011, I m more brave.
I knoe wut I want n I learnt to let go.. And accept takdir Allah dgn lebih redha..
It was hard at first but as time goes by, I knoe I'm alright.
I have air to breath. Sunlight to feel.
Rain to play. Birdschirping to hear :)

Dis 2012 is expected phase. I anticipate it wud be super tense as 6 jan ada pro 2 and 12 june ada pro 3.
After dat pg haji. IA. Sihatkanlah semua org yg nak sgt pg nie, ya Allah! Ameen.
Maybe after exm jom pg roadtrip? Hsemate, tkc mate, usrahmate,
Hoho! Can't wait! :)

After haji then kerja lah. Bak kata una, kita cuti 6 bulan lah kak? Hurm. Ya lah. Begitu lah..

Ameen! :)

Love life? Mimpinya after pg haji nak kahwin.
Tapi tak nak pk lagi.
Not now lah. Later! :) doakan plis dpt suami kuat iman, pandai masak, pandai pujuk, x berkira, bukan anak mak sgt n semua lah yg elok2 :D plg penting, tidak merokok!

Sekian.
Bye.
Buku dah miscall..
;D

menyelusuri 2011, mengakhiri dgn rasa sangsi barangkali. ini fasa hidup yg kritikal.

awalnya, tak berapa ingat. aku ingat kesedihan di hujung tahun lepas.
tapi aku yang baru pantas tumbuh dan hari ini, walau masih tak berani cakap sembuh betul tapi ok lah, saya ok.

minggu lepas, sekali lagi terjadi. tapi kali ini, Allah bersama-sama ku. kali ini tiada tangisan. Alhamdulilah. A better new me. walau susah nak melupakan tapi the feeling of release hanya Allah yang tahu. Aku bebas ya Allah. Alhamdulilah.

lain-lain, hanyalah ups and down academic, sesi reflection dgn mak, nyaris kena terajang dgn org tua cheras baru(mode:insaf), meng and jue tunang, faran kawin :), seniors yg best start kerja HO, research dgn Dr N x best tapi aku blaja berhadapan dgn org2 yg sukar so, ada hikmah lah.. Prof L sgt lain drp 3rd year.. masa 3rd year aku akan bgn dgn perasaan tak nak pg hospital but dia sgt berubah bila masuk 5th year, otak aku skrng pon asyik fikir, bila aku kerja HO nnt, apabende yg aku perlu buat.. alhamdulilah...

knowledge wise, mcm xberapa belaja jer..haih.. huha je..
nasib ada class tuisyen Dr S and Dr R.. semoga Allah ganjari syurga buat pengorbanan mereka.. jarang lecturer sanggup korban weekends untuk students setengah hari suntuk.. :)

hp ilang! oh no.. sedihnya, mcm hilang anak.. tapi dpt BB baru, so ok lah kan..

mak ckp, muka dia tuh mmg mcm keras hati sikit..
aku: oh, ya ke mak? kakak?
mak: kakak pun.. (terkejut. aih, aku pun?)
aku: nasib kita ada islam, mak kan.. kalo tak, mesti lagi teruk lagi perangai, kak..
mak: betul..

life always allow us to find our weakness and strength, terpulanglah pada kita utk jadikan strength kita utk kuatkan org lain and tukar weakness kita jadi strength kita.. :)

2011 is awesome! mmg awesome. fasa kritikal.. huhu. yang tak settle is pro exam 2 dis 6 jan! ya Allah, cukuplah engkau dan pertolonganmu bagiku...

kepastian

Late bloomers. I guess.
Xtaulah bagus ke tak.
Xpelah.
Allah yg tahu.
Dia lebih tahu. :)
Kdg2 kita rasa mcm terlambat sgt dah.
Dah xguna pun nk buat apa2.

Tapi barangkali kita lupa.
Allah dah pesan kan dlm Quran, jgn putus asa dgn rahmat Allah.

Come on uols!
Hai ala falah!
Dis is not the ending.
Its merely a beginning...
It has jus began.
Life is exciting isn't it?
Indeed ;)

GCS 15/15

1. this is chronic. my days are filled with non academic things. lame. omg. exm brape saat je lagik nie. gila ape anti? agaknya. haih. mengucap plis. cermin diri plis. mcm mn nk jd khalifah/tabib berjaya nieh. semua bende bersepah, serabut and tak sistematik langsung. kalo ko lah anak aku dh lama sebat smpi mati, ok.. geram sgt! masa tuh mmg sejak azali 24jam lah.. drp ko dok nk membebel nape lah Allah xbagi kita 42 jam sehari, baiklah dgn kadar segera kau sedar diri.. eh, sedap lah ayat nie, sila dgn kadar segera, sedar diri! :)
2. talking with an old old senior sooth me. although kali nie bukan aku yg mengcall n memulakan and nk dijadikkan cerita, dia pulak yg berserabut, which i find, we even not dat spending time together, but we do trust each other and loves each other lillah hi taalal.. Allah, a very good feeling. Inilah yg terbaik. Ini. InsyaAllah.
3. merasa keserabutan mencengkam di kala banyaknya pembohongan yg aku jerut di leher sendiri. mmg x boleh 'tak ape' lah. aku mahu pancung diri sendiri sebenarnya. this is not acceptable as a murabbi. this is not islam at all and i am ashame of myself. i am. but this is my deepest weaknest. barangkali jika anda mengetahuinya, anda akan berasa sgt kecewa dgn saya. yup, i am too. and i hope Allah give me strength to be more responsible person next time. i do not want to lie. all i have is a guilt down under. and it hurts. it crushes my heart bit by bit.
4. a lot is happening by the end of this two thousand and elevan. am happy. Alhamdulillah :) am so glad that every tears and sadness have been given rainbow and sunshine by Allah in return.. I am hapi that Meng my best friend and Ju my cousin is getting engaged.. the next big step, insyaAllah :)
5. my pro exam II is indeed around the corner. war is coming! but i have no weapons. no strategy. nothing. am really dead! what is this shahirah???? plis plis. force urself. get out of that comfort zone. drop that BB! drop that FB! drop everything now and run away with BMJ learning, BMJ oneexamination, bmjpractise and all other knowledge needed!!!! plis plis. u alwez have that second chance and that, owh plis,and u think u can lie again and get not caught red handed? and if even u did get away, Allah won't! and even u did get away, u wud'nt feel good. u need to remember what is not der in ur memory but circumstances force it to be der, then it is a burden. a stupid burden which is being celebrated by satan as u hav suksesfully followed his path. tahniah. congrats.
6. emergency medicine has been over all making me a sly. owh yes, ala, xpe r, xyah lah lama2 cni, sikit je. padahal penting gle. front line kot. bila org dtg chest pain, ecg pon menggeletar, ape kah????? dah final year kot. dok tangguh drp 3rd year tuh apehal? gila ke? gila lah. agaknya. haih. benci benci! plis lah. dh penat lah marah kau yg sgt lembap and slow and arggggh! apebende nie siput ke manusia :(
7. hati ini jadi lebih tenang. Alhmdulilah. emosi ku sudah bisa tidak mahu bercampur dgn lajunya realiti. bisa mahu berfikir banyak kali sebelum bertindak.Alhamdulilah. kematangan yg barangkali dtg drp ilham Tuhan dan hari hari lalu yang rawan.. owh, move on babe. move on.
8. 12hb. biar btol. argh. gagahkanlah hambamu ini, ya tuhan. bak kata kak lin, awak sgt berani.. cheh, mcm pujian. tapi jauh di sudut hati, aku memaki diri sendiri.. boleh kah, bagaimanakah, apakah, bisakah, haruskah, semua dtg silih berganti, filling my life di celah-celahnya, di segenapnya dgn tanda tanya, dgn jawapan yg aku rs mungkin kepada all the possibilities of Allah's secret.. and although this may sound unrational or sound tak logik langsung to u, yes, i understand, tapi bagi aku dan Allah, inilah bende paling logik dan aku sgt selesa dgn keputusan ini.. walau mcm dlm perang jugak minda ini.. tapi aku berada dlm keadaan yg damai. aku rasa. tak terpengaruh langsung pun dgn perang yg tercetus dlm sanubari. Allah, moga inilah yg terbaik. aku tak tahu. tapi Kau tahu, ya tuhan. Bantulah aku menghadapi ketakutan diri ini, terhadap apa yg aku tiada pengetahuan terhadapnya. Aku berserah. Aku redha. walau apa pun jawapannya, aku terima. benar. insyaAllah...

the Days to remember

-....aku maafkan kamu, tak perlu kita bertemu, cukup kau tahu...-
-a song by jamal abdillah and malique-


1. Alhamdulillah. my wikend are preoccupied with beneficial things and seandainya Allah tidak mentakdirkan kebaikan-kebaikan ini nescaya akan tercampaklah hambanya ini menghadap perkara yg sia-sia. Alhamdulilah. :) started with laman bestari, sunathon batu pahat, uia arrivals and kde prog. Alhamdulilah. Moga Allah memberi balasan syurga kepada murabbi ku yg berusaha utk mengisi hati2 kami dgn kasih syg Allah.

2. xpe lah mak, tak payah hantar lagi, kalau diaorg ckp mmg byk kereta, means mmg kita akan potong line org lain. kita kan menzalimi org lain... hantar esok jerh..
-walaupun mak bantah tapi aku yakinkan dia, hidup nie bila ikut perspektif akhirat dia jadi lebih senang, lebih mudah.. dan Alhamdulillah bila mak nampak aku yakin, aku ppg stand aku, she give in.. she called lee tayar and "xpe lah, esok jer.." ;)

3. seeing and meeting the genius ikhwan, sheikh H is the most wonderful thing that i can never imagine. the first time i knew and heard of him from cik N, i have vow to Allah that I will do my best in dakwah and one of it iS because of kewujudan org2 yg berkesanggupan maha tinggi demi dakwah seperti beliau dan ramai lagi unsung hero yg moga Allah merahmati dan memasukkan semuanya ke syurga firdausNya, ameen..

4. maal hijrah. aiyo, x terbaca pun doa akhir tahun and awal tahun.. shame, shame, shash.. not good! mcm mn lah boleh terlepas pandang nie..

5. P and S came from kuantan, one to see deir fren's marriage and 2nd to drop by and meet me. xde lah drop by pun sbb diaorg bermlm satu hari in putra, so Alhamdulillah dgn bersebab mereka dtg, i go out from my comfort zone and bersihkan ground floor mcm sparkling awesome jugak lah. Alhamdulilah. Although sahabat2 mantap lain mungkin sedang gigih study tapi I am very the most happy dapat kemas ground floor and jadi tuan rumah yg the best. although I am not 100% sure what P and S felt with the hospility but P did said, wah ini mmg layanan terbaik nie, and Alhamdulilah Allah permudahkan aku untuk permudahkan mereka:) and we went to Al Sinnai restaurant (mcm tuh ke speeling nye?) at sungai merab area.. restaurant AL punya family. Alhamdulilah i ate the steambot main dish and baru perasan yg i have no idea mcm mn nk handle mkn steambot. selama nie abah and mak je yg sibuk buatkan. adoih..

6. bufday mak su! ingat nak lawat dia lah. plus kids school hols.. ow yes, mak intans nie nak anta R pg prog cuti tak nie dis 30 hb? or shud i rekomen sth more cheaper ekh.. bende tuh dis disember... hurm... nanti lah.

7. Alhamdulillah. Hanya Allah bisa menyentuh dan memegang hati-hati mutarabbi kita. I have seen a potential in F to grow and explore all potentials. Alhamdulilah. May Allah make it the best for her, in all her actions and doings..

8. i slept about 2 hours before reaching tol salak selatan. 10pm til 12 am. Ya Allah, mmg sgt mengantuk and i am also bit shock as upon waking up, ada seorang kakak motor nie was on my tingkap side and sedang watching over me. I did not remember is she was trying to call my name, or try to bangunkan me or whatever, neither i remmbr did i turunkan tingkap, but i did remember talking to her, so i must have turunkan tingkap which is SO BAHAYA sbb helloo, kang dia acid splash aku pukul 12 mlm..padan muko ko.. anyway, i remmeber she said, ok, sy pergi dulu ya, and she drove her motorcycle sommothly laju away from me yg tgh terpinga2 sbb i just realized its 12 am and mak is waiting at home and yes, 7 miscalls! :/ oh nooo.. sori mak. sori adik.

9. i told S sth that i shud have not tell her actually. about gdp and etc.. and all those marah-gila things. May Allah forgive me. May she learnt a lesson of my random babling and rambling.

10. oj note! nvd ape nye. dah 5 weeks tak terbuat, ya Allah!!! but if we have started (on anything, on sumthing..) thus we are never too late. and actually we r not late bcoz we have started! yes, yes.. i am coming today oj! just u wait..cikgu T, i dedicate this quotatation frm sheikh to u.. please please proceed. iA Allah is always by our side :)

11. i am ashame of myself, really. why on earth am i deeply worried of psy presentation whereby Allah is always there for each of us. InsyaAllah Rabu nie ada case for me. Rabu and khamis actually.. bcoz jumaat baru presentation :) O Allah, im not gonna be sad. I am going to be patient. temukanlah aku dgn patient yg dpt kami belajar drpnya, ya Allah. ameen.. ya rab bal ala meen.

12. :) iA i will talk to u. iA i will be redha with whatever response u'll give me. i am ready. iA :) i did my part, alhmdulilh. iA.... :)

helpPppppp!

penangguhan paling unggul..

1. istikharah utk barney, utk posting hseman
2. oj note. ampun.
3. khatam quran
4. renew bmj practise n oneexamination
5. amad albab biopsychosocial
6. 3 stooges telekung and stuff
7. mun bufday wrap
8. kemas segalanya sebelum rombongan uia dtg
9. prepare apa nak tanya barney_soalan cik nah_gulp2.
10. buat soalan exam smpi termuntah
11. lepak dgn meng
12. lepak dgn nenek
13. selamatkan mak mek mission possible

dan lagi.....................................seribu satu penangguhan.

byk perkara bermain di fikiran. di kesempatan waktu yg sgt sempit..
ya Allah, permudahkankan lah.. tiada yg jadi mudah melainkan dgn izinmu... :)

random

1. tolonglah lupa. please.
2. xlarat kot. xde ape pon yg masuk. xnk memasukkan pon. hampeh. kata nk jd tabib falah.
3. kecik ati sgt. tapi let go je lah. x semua org perfect.
4. dia lagi. tlg lah...
5. raya haji. Nabi Ibrahim pun Allah suruh sembelih kesayangan dia. its all temporary. nothing stays but amal, ilmu , doa anak soleh.
6. anak. nak 2. ok, 3.
7. nak kahwin. umur 25. after pegi haji. calon dah ada. tapi x rasa diperkenankan. calon baru please.
8. calon baru. pilihanraya. haih. apa lah nasib negara nie...
9. hudud. jgn main-main dgn hukum Allah. tak tahu baik shudup.
10. Dr R marah pon x de apa2 aku rasa. pergh. mmg keras betol hati nie, but maybe part of me yg go against him.. paham la nape dia mc tuh, xnk produce tabib yg memalukan bangsa, agame n negara tapi xperlu kot begitu...walaupun aku faham mengapa dia begitu, tapi still x suka gak... ko nak bende semua bagus tapi nak bancuh kek tuh beli tepung murah, beli telur busuk.. mcm mana nak dapat cake taraf secret recipe????? ergh. ya lah. whatever.

11. save me someone. AA? nak bateri plis. mana u?

hujung terowong

the most menakutkan posting. everything under the sun. have finally arrived!

semalam low sikit. rasa nk lari pun ada. tapi pujuk hati dg ayat2 Allah.. smpi tertidur depan comp hosp.. ya Allah. punya lah penat!

dr T even baik tapi mcm leave a tamparan jugak lah bila dia komen aku matric uia dulu...
xpe. take it as a challenge! in future, byk lagi org yg tangkap dalam.... kena tabah byk2 sgt. xleh semua bende nk kecik ati. ati xbleh kecik nk jadik tabib! xboleh!

dr L today, ingt dia nk nk mrh2 tapi alhamdulillah sgt!!! naik semangat sgt nk blaja n prepare utk pass exam dgn penuh mutu n keunggulan!! huhu. iA with the little help of friends n families :) to go to war kna ada strategy! yezza!


dear shash, good job!
-rohani

:)

alhamdulillah, cannot expressed lega mcm mana lagik...

mak

mak,
anak mak dah besar,
tapi mak still syg dia mcm umur dia 7 tahun lagi

mak,
anak mak dh blaja tinggi-tinggi, dh blaja macam-macam
dia sng-sng jer nk marah-marah mak
sbb dia kata apa mak buat semua salah, semua tak betul
mak tak tau apa-apa. kononnya.

mak,
anak mak dah banyak lagi masa dia dgn org lain
banyak lagi bagi alasan yang semua tipu sunat kat mak
mak tahu jer
tapi mak senyap
anak mak tipu mak lagi

mak,
anak mak dah tinggi pangkat
dah berkepok duit gaji
dia tak lupa nak hulur seringgit dua kat mak
tapi dia lupa, mak bukan hadap sgt duit dia
mak nak luang masa dgn dia
mcm dulu-dulu
mak hantar pergi mengaji,
mak teman main buaian dgn jongkang jongket
mak bawak pergi swimming
mak suruh lompat masuk sungai , tapi jgn lama sgt, pesan mak
mak datang sekolah bila dapat keputusan best
mak senyum jer bila tgk report kad anak mak
mak risau sgt bila anak mak sakit
biar mak yg sakit, bukan anak mak

mak,
mak yang minta maaf selalu
biar bukan salah mak pun
mak tak nak anak mak berdosa
mak nak anak mak diberkati selalu
dilimpahi rahmat selalu

mak,
mana nak cari mak macam mak
mak sakit mcm mana pun,
mak tak pernah merungut hantar pergi sekolah
mak tetap jaga makan,pakai kitaorg
tapi bila mak sakit,
semua org mcm terpaksa jaga mak
semua org nk bagi 1-2 minit je
semua org berkira

mak,
mak superwoman kan
malam-malam mak cuci dapur
cuci pinggan
kemas rumah
kemas sepah orang buat
mak bebel sikit je
tapi semua org ckp mak kecoh

mak,
nanti mesti org rindu dgn mak
bila org dh kahwin nanti
org takut org lupa mak
org takut org byk kerja sampai org tanguh-tangguh jumpa mak

mak,
sapa nk jaga makan mak bila mak dah tua nanti
org mesti boleh kdg2 je tgk mak

mak,
mak selalu talipon org,
mak tanya mcm2, updates...
kdg2 je org talipon mak,
itupun suruh doa utk exam,
mak,
org nie pentingkan diri sendri ke?

anak mak dah besar,
pastuh dia berubah
tapi mak tetap sama
dia tetap syg org mcm umur org 7 tahun je.

mak,
org minta maaf
kdg2 org lupa mak dah tua
mak tak mcm dulu
mak dh tak kuat
tapi org slalu herdik mak
kenapa mak lambat
kenapa mak mcm tu mcm nie

mak,
anak mak dh besar
tapi dia lupa mak

tapi mak tak pernah lupa dia

tak pernah..

HB!

nah, present anti. complication of last year's thoughts.
:)


saya punya banyak impian yang saya sendiri leraikan
kerna kudrat saya selalu memilih untuk berehat
misi-misi yang belum selesai
memerlukan hati yang perlu dibuka
dan dinding yang perlu diruntuh

akulah hirisan-hirisan anak muda
yang hanya mahu tahu apa yang aku suka
dan rasa jengkel dengan rumit dunia berputar

i felt so clouded somehow.
why i just could not accept things.
especially on Allah's secret...
Allah hide for a very very goodest reason...
He Knows it of course.
that if we know things that we want to know now,
then its not life anymore.
that's a drama.
and life is not a scripted drama.
it does not need a script.
because Allah is the writer and Allah is the best of all writer!
He is!

dear, keep the past as a part of u.
cherish the good moments.
be thankful for the bad ones.
life is not merely only for today.
its indeed a journey.
bekalan untuk hari-hari yang abadi nanti...
lets never give up in fighting our truest enemy of all...
: u knoe who!:

alhamdulillah. Rasullulah have said it, "Berselisih faham di kalangan umatku itu adalah satu rahmat." (Riwayat Al Baihaqi). i appreciate differences. we are all the same eventually, as we all have differences especially in the way we are brought up.

the past has been a mistake
which she is glad that it happened
cause things happened for a reason
and if that reason involves her getting nearer to her creator
she will gladly accept
no pain no gain
she agrees
she nodded
she smile
she is happy

well, at least there is still tomorrow.
we will never know. as for today, she may just wanna smile while hearing to taylor's song entitled mine. without even needing to have any spesific who.

23
hari ini
sama atau tidak dengan hari yang lain
bukan soalnya
kerna hari ini
hari bertambahnya angka
dan betapa masa berganti begitu deras
perlu teguh dan lebih kukuh
dalam melayari onak duri kehidupan
kadang-kala alpa dan cuai
sahabat pun silih ganti
yang berharga bersinar
yang kelam kesam
walau tinggi mana sayap terbang
lembut tanah tak pernah jauh
deretan kisah-kisah lama kembali
lalu kita menangis dan ketawa sekali
mengenang kenangan
jatuh bangun hari ini dan semalam
harapan bisa terhapus
dan cita-cita bisa padam
kata-kata dilupakan
perbuatan baik tidak dihirau
namun itulah realiti
inilah dunia yang sementara
sementara kita masih bernafas
marilah menghirup kebenaran
dan memperjuangkan harapan
biarlah kalah di sini sekalipun
kerna kita bijaksana
dan tak perlu bijaksini saja

hari ini akan berlalu
dan yang hidup akan hidup
yang mati senyap sepi
yang tinggal, ayuh bangkit
ummah memerlukan kita
walau itu pun mereka tak sedar
hulurkan lah tangan
moga hari ini berakhir dgn tenang
setenang air di kali
membasahi hati dan nurani
ameen ya Rab bal ala min...

mary go round

semalam on-call. tapi smpi pukul brape jer. kak mils in the house. sian dia. wound breakdown. tapi dia sgt welcoming. baik sgt. ingatkan dia garang. so not HM laa. haha. nway, we shared a lot of things. sgt best. it's so refreshing to have talk to a senior. hee. alhamdulillah.

itu pun mary yg perasan. kalo tak, tak tau jugak. hehe. dia pesan buat BMJ one examination sbb EBM, prepare for osce drp skrng, buat questions dari uni lain.. ada fana passkan arituh. banyakkan knowledge. procedure/oncall buat laa tapi kena work smart, xyah lama2 sgt.. (itu yg blk awal, tuh. senior suruh. haha.) dia ckp pasal hosp mn yg ok. etc. hurm.. anak dia sgt comel. khairiah. yg terbaik. hehe. rambut lebat sgt. and she look like both kak mils and abg B. hoho. and we told her all sort of nitemare stories from college. hee. and she was suprised indeed.

k, cwu x start lg. jap lg nk antar kat suki man. haih.

like wild fire

APPLY!
the reading look easier but when u are in a real situation and the magic word utter; apply. well, u may fumble and not be you for a min or two.

that is what i and maybe most of the final year rasa. the toughness of applying.

and its not just the decision. the responsibility. the passion. the love. the sacrifise.

the reality. the pahit.

i found out new things about me, apointed by my real mom and a mother in a labour room.

One is from a mother to her daughter and another from a patient to a medical student.

Thanks maks. love u both.

i learnt that i could be very fragile when i did not trust myself. u could see it clearly when i did not prepare my case (read: did not read through details) or during exam which u'll be bombarded by different level of thinking, exams that needs skills (read: lesen kereta and osce agung) and etc. and the one in labour room is taking blood from patient. ya, take blood jer. tapi tgn aku sejuk. shaking. and mak ckp, kamu ada gemuruh ke shahirah.. yakin diri, bergantung pada Allah. kamu dah belajar kan? (angguk sambil rasa nk nangis terharu) so, yakin jer. be confident. i am confident in you. you know what to do!

anugerah patient terbaik.

on the another note, my clinic session on tuesday was quite miserable. the MO , Dr S was very stern but alhamdulillah she taught my mind to be disciplined and sharp. tq. and yes i'll do it a thousand time if i need to. no prob. iA. tak mati pun is the new motto bebeh!

last night, my marah was tested. nasi and chips. after 20 mins waiting sambil tgk cerita cina, where is the fish? owh, saya ingat akak nk bungkus. (oh my, i terkeluar bodoh for the first time in my life... kecewenya, kamu nak saya makan nasi dgn french fries ke? kenapa bodoh sgt..) May Allah forgive me... hungry can make u angry. but as a muslim, i should have not be that angry. i should be patient and forgive the waiter....

and dear aliah, everyone pernah buat salah. buat salah itu bagus, yang tak bagus bila kita repeat back the mistake....

p/s: steve jobs died 2 days ago i guess. RIP great man.

rasa

masa. mematangkan kita.
orang. mendewasakan kita.
seribu. walau a thousand time, i'll go through it again, ya Allah. tak mati pun, iA.
mata. yang memandang org lain dgn rasa kasih dan syg
HB. rehat kita hanya di syurga.
penat. tak mematikan aku. penat, sila penat dgn aku.
firasat. moga Allah beri ilmu ini kpd kita, especially Dr. in treating patients, parents in raising their endangered children in this modernised overly entah apa-apa world. Allah dah ckp. Dunia ini hanyalah gurauan dan tipu daya.
tahu. apa yang kita nak, and apa yg kita tak nak dlm hidup. aku nak keredhaan Allah dlm setiap langkah and perbuatan aku. ameen. aku tak nak husband yang tak paham, and lebih parah; buat-buat tak paham dgn kerjaya aku, dgn matlamat hidup aku, dgn visi aku. Permudahkanlah ya Tuhan...... berilah semua suami pengertian...semua mahu dimengerti.



tarik nafas panjang,
hela dalam-dalam.
tarik lagi.

Allah hu akhbar!

no someone like you

someone like you...

• zubeq- have her mind of her own, kemas, teliti, kecik2 cili api, bervision , bermatlamat.. penuh dgn nasihat bila diminta. thanks mate.. :)
  
  


• aliah- don't underestimate this young lad, she may look fragile n emotional at times but very strong and passionate inside...skill reflection yg tinggi n also punya refleks yg tinggi literally as well(read: cepat terkejut) tak berkira sgt, seorg kawan yg baik..caring is sharing motto hidup. caya lah. respect..





• midah- impulsive. nampak slow tapi sgt fast sgn cara tersendiri yang penuh kelicikan.. pemikiran yg kucar-kacir dan abrupt tapi nasib baik disulami dgn sisi-sisi yang matured. haha.
  




• nana- punya background kehidupan yang membuatkan aku bersyukur dgn kehidupan yg aku ada.. kepantasan dia berelationship kdg2 buatkan aku mual tapi life is not just what u see in front dan aku mengerti sisi kosong yg ada dlm jiwa seorg nana. seorg kwn yg tak berapa caring tapi sanggup berkorban di dlm kemampuannya.




• era- yg aku senangi kerna somehow we have the same track of mind. a good listener. antara org yg punya the best common sense dlm hidup.. :) seorg kawan yg tak berkira sgt.. memahami..
  




• parvin- seorg yg sgt sabar. bantuan yg diberi padaku esp masa 3rd year di kala skill kereta sgt sampah, akan aku kenang selagi hidup.. dia kawan yg setia, yg jujur.. mungkin dah kurang sikit innocent tapi yg jelas, dia tetap parvin aku yg the best! :) my parvo viridae..
  




• bhav- walau most of the time mcm lagi byk pentingkan diri sendiri tapi punya ability dia buat perkara2 yg complicated jadi simple, dan lebih2 lagi sekarang bhav dh kurus and mcm obses dgn makanan yg tak berkalori buat aku malu dgn perut burger nie. haihhhh!





• maya- walau kami sgt berbeza idea,pendapat dan jendela kehidupan tapi pegangan yg kami pegang dan berkiblatkan menyatukan kami. seorg kawan yg kuat, yg mahu menjadi adil, yg do the best tapi kdg2 suka memaparkan sisi-sisi diri yg tak best.. owh maya, its ok dear..no one is perfect. Only Allah! :)
  



• iffah- yg bisa merubah dan mengubah sisi-sisi aku yg jahil dan 'lari' dlm diamnya, dlm hikmahnya. Ukhti pasti jadi ibu yg hebat, kelak. insyaAllah..





• wani- aku share semangat falsafah dan sastera dgnnya. jendela-jendela dunia byk aku buka dgn yakin hasil drp bicara-bicara kami yg banyaknya, kebetulan, kami kupas dlm kereta...moga Allah beri kekuatan pada ukhti untuk lebih pantas dan deras dlm setiap niat anti utk kemajuan islam khususnya..
  
  




• meng- kami mula sgt rapat sejak umur 16 tahun.. tahun ini 24. dh 8 tahun. byk masa remaja aku yg mentah, aku kongsi dgn meng.. tapi jujurnya, dari hari ke hari , merasai makin jauh dgn sahabat yg seorg ini atas sebab-sebab yg hanya Allah yg tahu...




• peanutbutterchip: seorg kawan yg aku baik sejak umur hingusan 13 tahun..yg biar jauh beribu batu, tapi sgt dekat di hati.. riang dan happy go lucknya buat aku lupa segala masalah dunia yg bertimbun, dia seringkali berjaya mengalih cara aku melihat dunia..beri aku tingkap yg berlainan setiap kali aku cerca apa yg aku jenguk keluar drp jendela kehidupan.. bila aku bermotivasi dan berkongsi rasa-rasa aku dgnnya, she w/o fail dgn ikhlas akan kata, baguslah kau nie, ashu.. walau pendek, tapi aku akan rasa apa aku buat nampak kecil tapi bernilai.... kawan yang takkan ku tukar dgn apa pun di dunia ini..



• nana ker: kisah2 cinta lara yg walau buat aku termuntah at times tapi gigihnya wanita ini dlm apa yg dia percaya sentiasa berbekas dlm sanubariku.. way foward bila terjatuh.. itulah nana...
  



• adaw dan pikorq- sama kepala. kelakar. thank to Allah our path crossed.... walau hingga hari ini.

belum merdeka

berilah aku yg hina ini ruang dan peluang untuk membayar kembali masa-masa yang aku sia-siakan untuk yg selainMu, ya Allah...

seolah-olah seumpama empangan yg pecah, terhambur segala isi-isinya mengalir tanpa arah, tanpa tujuan..

ya Tuhan, aku mahu kembali kepadaMu, jalan yang lurus, yang Kau redhai...

buanglah aku yang itu, Ya Allah. hapuskanlah Ya Rabb, sisi-sisi diri ini yang jahil, yang daif, yang sombong, yang riya', yang berdaki, yang jijik... campaklah semuanya jauh-jauh, paling jauh yang boleh, ya Allah...

buanglah aku yang itu kerna aku mahu menjadi yang ini...

aku yang Quran di hati, Rasullullah di kalbu, yang ber ilah kan Allah dan bukan nafsu, yang segala gerak geri ku dipandu Tuhan semesta seluruh alam, aku yang lebih senang untuk bersusah di dunia drp di akhirat...

aku tak rela terpenjara di dunia ini.. dunia ini lebih banyak lagi racun dari penawar, lebih banyak sedih dari gembira, lebih 'neraka' dari neraka..biarlah aku merana di dunia ini andai tukarannya ialah kebahagiaan di akhirat. di hari matahari terik hanya panjang sejengkal.

ayuh saudara seagamaku,

perjuangan kita menegakkan agama Allah belum tamat...

tapi baru bermula!

lima sebelum lima

masa cukup laju menghambat
semakin banyak dalam genggaman
semakin pantas ia hilang
tanpa disedari
kadang-kala rasa begitu ditinggalkan
rasa mahu waktu berhenti dan menjerit, tunggu ana, tunggu ana
cepatnya,cepatnya, cepat sangat!
atau aku yang lambat?
aku yang lembap...
hendak menghadap Tuhan sekalian Alam pun lambat..
macam mana ni?


cepatnya aku rasa, ya Allah.
rasa tak sempat-sempat..
rasa sangat lambat dan lembap...
tiba-tiba umur pun dan menginjak..
hari jadi siang, bertukar malam..

Rasulullah juga yg terbaik.. ingat 5 sebelum 5 katanya!
argh, biarlah dunia ini lebih laju dari pergerakkan cahaya pun.
aku akan terus berjalan.. menujuMu ya Allah..
takkan rasa sedih sebab rasa tertinggal atau terkebelakang..
kerna masa juga hambaMu
maka hanya Allah lah bisa memberi dan menggantikan masa-masa yg aku 'pinjam'kan pada Allah...
iA!

merdekakah kita?

merdeka lah kami semuanya daripada belenggu penghambaan yang selainMu,

rahmatilah kami dengan bebasnya kami daripada bertuhankan hawa nafsu kami

tetapkan lah kami untuk hidup berubah dengan transformasi diri seorang hamba

dgn nikmat-nikmat kemerdekaan yang diperoleh

izinkanlah kami utk terus memperolehnya

setiap detik helaan nafas

di bawah pengawasaanMu

cukuplah perlindungan Allah bagi kami

ameen.

peringatan

Ramadhan mengajar kita erti takwa yg sebenar. Ada 4 perkara penting yang kita dapati ada dalam Ramadhan in order to make us seorang manusia yg bertakwa.

1) Sifat ehsan. kerna tarbiyah puasa membuatkan kita dapat rasa yg Allah sentiasa memperhatikan kita. Kalau tak, dah lama dah makan,minum, mengumpat dan sebagainya sbb Allah tak nampak... kan?

2) tarbiyah puasa mengajar kita untuk sedikit tidur. selepas Isyak, kita ada terawikh. dan di malam 10 tearhir, kita bangun malam utk mengejar Lailatur Qadar. sesungguhnya, orang yg banyak tidurnya, akan mengurangkan usianya sendiri. kerna bila dalam tidur, kita tidak beramal, melainkan tidur yg sekejap dgn niat utk mengembalikan tenaga, itu barulah tidur sebagai ibadah, insyaAllah.
ada 3 perkara yg bisa memanjangkan umur, 1) doa anak yg soleh. 2) ilmu bermanfaat yg diamalkan. 3) sedekah jariah

3) Ramadhan juga mengajar kita untuk bangkit sahur. Bangun pada dinihari bukan hanya waktu amalan puasa di bulan Ramadhan tapi perlu diteruskan hingga ke bulan-bulan yg berikutnya kerna para tabiin bangun pada dinihari dan mereka beristigfar mengingati Allah. oleh kerna kita terbiasa bangun sahur pada pukul 5, contohnya, lepas Ramadhan, kita kan juga iA bangun awal untuk lebih mendekatkan diri kita, kpd Allah.

4) amalan sedekah. teruskan amalan ini and not only in month of Ramadhan.

titik

macam pelakon tak reti berlakon
macam tu lah yg aku rasa
medical student yg tak boleh blah
bakal tabib yg penakut
dan hari ini adalah salah satu dari hari-harinya
utk menggambarkan rasa kebodohan yang aku buat-buat telan mcm sedap
terdampar telantar
jauh makin jauh
mengharap yang bukan-bukan
melihat hina semua
walhal yg lebih hina ialah 4 jari yg menunding balik
aku serius mahukan pemberontakkan seperti YingLuck, Tehran dan Su Kyi

perang kali ini aku kalah kerna aku mengalah
aku biarkan impian aku berehat
biar dan biar dan biar
hingga terbiar
busuk dan bernanah
hati yang kacau bilau huru hara dan tak tenteram akibat tak bersemadi dgn fitrah
apa lagi yang kau mahukan dari dunia
banyaknya mahu dan kurangnya memberi

ku tabik pada manusia2 yg lupa pada erti penat
pada manusia biasa yg tak menjadikan obstacle kehidupan sebgai nokhtah pada usaha kental seorang hamba yang wajar sewajarnya work damn hard kerna hasilnya adalah hak Allah
buat apa bimbang?berusahalah, segigihnya.
sudah lama kau tidur lena mcm mati
hingga hidup pun tak sedar, bernafas mcm terpaksa
apa lagi yg tak kena ....
apa lagi yg nk ditunggu?
masa hibernasi sepatutnya sudah tamat long long time ago

titik.

ganster

I know.yes. I know. but it does not make a change. its just the same I guess. no matter how much you wanna change it. it stays the same. maybe I'm older that I don't find some things that I used to like back then. I just don't bother. It hurts actually not to know what you want in life. and it even hurt more when you have no idea on how to get what you want. Maybe I lack of plans. or maybe I don't have a desire to dream anymore. This mind of mind seems to be in full negativity. I can't change some stuffs around me. But I can change the way I think. and what I am thinking now is that I want to gain a lot of experience that I could.

remember me?

i remember when abah taught me how to ride a 2 wheel bicycle. The same goes to any mode of transportation (i.e driving license, took me six times. yes. but i have a senior's record.. 10x.. huhu. so what, we still got the license anyway by the end of the day. hehe.), i am very the easily give up person. eventually abah, being a not so patient as i am, (ke mana kuah tumpah kalau tak ke nasi), left me alone struggling with the handsome red bike with adik, heading for tasik. U cn imagine how I feel, right.. at first its already in my mind that its a mission impossible. i thought i will be sympathized but NO... and there i was.. sad and angry.. how could u! and all of a sudden, it just force me to do it right.. and once i balanced, i shouted loudly, as I followed behind the car...Abah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Abah!!!!!!!! and seeing from the side mirror, abah stopped and hug me.. Yeay, kakak dah boleh naik basikal....

i think i wanna marry u

love dis song. dear suami, miss u. yup, working hard here. dun worry. u take care of urself, k.

feeling like hidup macam dalam balang kaca. atau melihat hidup seolah2 terperangkap dlm balang kaca.

trapped. help. trap.

dan sememangnya Allah itu dekat.

Ya Allah, please help me to let go. the bads and let the good stay.

hidup ini perjuangan. it wouldnt be easy everytime.......

let go!

mr R taught me a lot. taught us. (and to make it a point, forgive me, ya Allah. please please in any point of my future to not and never ever came across anyone such like N anymore!!! i really cant stand it... and to say that, we tend to not like something in a person because its in us as well.. the main thing i hate about is how not understanding a human can be... pleaase forgive me, Ya Allah. i am so not strong to like someone like this...) he taught us to believe. not only to believe but to take action. just like Rasulullah. 13 years in Mekah. and a country Madinah. lets do something for the ummah!

re cari

research elective.

although have been reluctant to do it but alhamdulilah, time have been fast for me to really hate it. so, it turns out just fine. Alhamdulilah, i learnt a lot. its a mind opener. this research allows us to interview the ppl who have sacrifice their love for their love ones in a approach that most of us will think a billion time in that emotional barrier of ours--> organ donation.

I salute all of you. May Allah bless all of you. Ameen.

Alhamdulilah Ustaz Hasrizal also supports organ donation =)

read more: http://saifulislam.com/518

kejar

aku tahu, aku tak layak ya Allah.
aku tak layak itu dan ini.
dan lebih benar lagi,
aku tak layak syurgaMu.

aku tahu Ya Allah
aku sering mahukan yg bukan2
sepatutnya aku mahukan yg bukan yang bukan2

tapi dunia ini begitu sempit untuk aku luaskan
di mana, bagaimana, utk apa
langsung kelam

dan ya, aku lupa
atau buat2 lupa

orang lain yang punya byk lagi susah dan masalah
bisa tegar dan kental
kau?

tempatkanlah aku di syurga, Ya Allah
penatnya di dunia ini bila kita penat
patutnya aku lebih gigih berlari
ke arahMu...

harap

Alhamdulilah. masih lagi bersisa dgn semangat yang sering kali hilang.
entah lah. selalu membiarkan keputusan diputuskan sendiri.
kadang-kadang pelik betul. mana lah pergi masa-masa itu yang aku seprti itu dan mereka seperti mereka. atau yang lainya hanyalah aku.

Hilang benar. Terasa kehilangan.
apa yang hilang.. nikmat dunia ini. nikmat utk terus hidup dengan berkompaskan akhirat.

semalam. kawan lama macam sudah asing bagi aku. kerna aku yang menjarak atau memang sudah berubah benar suasana. berat sungguh hati menelan. tapi sebagai manusia aku akur. lebih baik bertunjangkan persahabatan yang faham tujuan sebenar kita hidup di dunia. Tapi bila bukan itu suasananya, rasanya aku perlu lebih kuat. lebih bersedia. kerna aku tak punya pilihan melainkan menjadi yang terbaik. Hamba Allah yang merasa qanaah. sungguh lama tak merasakan qanaah, sungguh lama tak merasakan ukhwah, sungguh lama tak merasakan bayak lagi rasa-rasa.

perkara yg paling aku takut ialah bila aku mahukan rasa dunia yang pelbagai ini. Bantulah hambamu ini, ya Tuhan. Hidupku ertinya perlu dirombak. Perlu disenergi lagi. Perlukan petrol. Perlukan pembaharuan.

ill

its ok. everything will be fine, insyaAllah. there are things i cannot handle. like this fever that comes and go. this headache. this pain. this cough. its ok. InsyaAllah jadi kifarah dosa.

tempoh hari had 4 days attachment in clinic zubir, its a fair share, i guess. Allah yg tentukan semua ni. Ada hikmah...

gering

jujurnya banyak perkara yang bermain-main di mindamu itu ana jua mahu tanyakan pada diri sendiri
tentang mengapa bagaimana dan kenapa
dan percayalah hati ini juga renyuk keromot dan asing sekali
tiada jawapan dan kekuatan
ana mesti bangkit
sebangkit Rasulullah meninggalkan Mekah tercinta demi hijrah

lepaskanlah hambamu ini berhijrah, Ya Allah.

semalam

Terima kasih Tuhan
kerna memberi dan terus memberi
hati rasa sayu dan tersedar sesedarnya pada frasa:

“Ah, surga masih jauh." yang diungkap oleh hati yang tulus. ah, iri sungguh! andai aku merendah diri sepertimu, alangkah bagus...

dan lagi, benak rasa terpukul bila bola mata menatap Don’t let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being. ah, terkena lagi. inilah orangnya yang membiarkan keadaan dan manusia-manusia janggal dalam hatiku membaham diriku walhal akulah patutnya pilot pengemudi pilihan kehidupan yang dipinjamkan Tuhan kepadaku yang memang tak lama, cuma sekejap sekerdipan mata.
rasa yakinku hilang searah dengan ego dan kelalaian diriku.
perginya mengalir mengikut arus yang jauh dan payah untuk berpatah kembali..

dan di nada hujung yang rendah itu, ada ini sebagai gula-gula ceria: “Rabb Pencipta kami, telah kami aniaya diri sendiri. Andai Kau tak sudi mengampuni dan menyayangi, niscaya jadilah kami termasuk mereka yang rugi-rugi.” nothing better words to describe my state right now. nothing better!

firasat

maaf kerna tak bisa melafazkannya
cukuplah hanya Allah yang tahu
dan pada hari ini saya gagahi juga sepatah dua kata
walau ketika itu jiwa meronta kaget
tapi yg benar itu tetap terang dan yg samar itu perlu dilemaskan dalam-dalam
hari ini saya gembira kerna berani sudah tampil tanpa perlu berpura-pura
inilah yang saya tidak inginkan
namun saya bersyukur
Tuhan masih sayangkan saya
Tuhan mengajar saya yg apa yg saya rasa terbaik, tak semestinya sama bagi Dia
dan sebagai hamba, saya memilih ketentuanNya
saya bisa memujuk hati agar bahagia dgn apa yg Tuhan aturkan kerna sudah tentu dan seyakinnya, itu yg terbaik...
kita hanyalah manusia yg melintasi lingkaran takdir
ada yang bertemu, bertahan dan hilang bersama-sama
hal ini lumrah
dan fitrah manusia sememangnya lemah
saya bersyukur kerna hari ini Tuhan menyedarkan saya
saya lah insan yang lemah
yang berlindung di balik rahsia-rahsia takdir Tuhan

jujurnya, saya ingin berlari sambil menggenggam masa saya yang terhad
saya punya banyak impian yang saya sendiri leraikan
kerna kudrat saya selalu memilih untuk berehat
misi-misi yang belum selesai
memerlukan hati yang perlu dibuka
dan dinding yang perlu diruntuh

ingin rasanya menjengah dunia semahunya
pertapak ke mana jua dengan hati yang sentiasa bertasbih merinduiNya
hidup perlu dihidupkan dengan timbangan akhirat
bukan barat atau mudarat
saya tidak sempurna
kerna itulah manifestasi seorang hamba
yang akan sentiasa berpaut di bawah naunganNya, selama-lamanya...

strength

osce of 16 stations...psychiatry and specialty postings.
we did it, alright....
though perhaps me, not warna-warna pelangi but, Alhamdulilah, diizinkan Allah untuk selesaikan apa yg perlu dilakukan.
even somehow i felt a bit sad because i as usual knew i cud have done better and i really2 need to strategize my study plan after dis..
hurm.

lelap

kdg-kdg jadi serba salah pula.
ah, rasa nk belah diri ini, jadi macam cerita naruto, bisa dipecah-pecah menjadi ramai.
namun hakikatnya aku tetap satu.
aku tetap lemah.
ke mana aku pergi, jika tiada rahmatNya, aku kira aku sama tunggul dgn si kayu,
ada hati menahan angin, namun akar tumpul.
aku menangis minta dipapah keluar
minta dipenjara
apalah erti kebebasan ini andai kelak ia akan menghancurkan aku menjadi debu-debu
yang berterbangan
aku lelap dalam jaga
aku buta dalam celik
aku lah manusia seperti mereka dan mereka
akulah hirisan-hirisan anak muda
yang hanya mahu tahu apa yang aku suka
dan rasa jengkel dengan rumit dunia berputar
sujudnya alam ini kepada Ya Rab
hanyalah manifestasi seorang hamba
yang patuhnya bukan kerna melambung takut
namun kerna kasih dan hormat
kerna sayang dan cinta

enough

as time slips
slipped away
like the violent kind wind
throwing away the past behind
i was stumble upon how naive i was
am still
i just wanna break free
i just felt that life is full of other things
i just wish i knew what to decide
what to do
what to say
and im left with nothing but Allah
dan cukuplah Allah bagiku di tahun yang baru ini~

jigsaw

how should i simplify my just now very complicated unreasonable judgement and now, just by borrowing a murabbi's spirit, just by reading, i felt her words really create wonders and make me felt fine,fine, fine.

hv u ever felt so low, u just wanted to stay shallow and sad. u just could not reach anyone. and suprisingly u just put the the best of all listener, out of your, list.. Allah.

yes, im talking bout myself. i find myself so heavy nowdays. true, partly due to my increasing weight, but most of it because nauzubillah, deep down, i felt my ilah is not Allah but me striving looking not alien in front of other makhluk.

i felt so clouded somehow.
why i just could not accept things.
especially on Allah's secret...
Allah hide for a very very goodest reason...
He Knows it of course.
that if we know things that we want to know now,
then its not life anymore.
that's a drama.
and life is not a scripted drama.
it does not need a script.
because Allah is the writer and Allah is the best of all writer!
He is!

Allah hu akhbar..

fight

as time goes by.
like the wind blowing the leaves across the street.
i keep wondering when will i be able to be great to do what i wanna do.
being able to control time.
to be able to response correctly.
to know what to say, what to tell.
being flew back to the times i think i would like.
like the time when im a size of a feather,
the time im super rajin,
the time that mum was able to be super than superman,
the time that Abah was not worried of me as im not growing yet,
the time where what friends do and tell u matters,
the time where simple is always not complicated,

and etc wantedness.

which makes me stumble upon a fact that am I questioning takdir?

dear, keep the past as a part of u.
cherish the good moments.
be thankful for the bad ones.
life is not merely only for today.
its indeed a journey.
bekalan untuk hari-hari yang abadi nanti...

lets never give up in fighting our truest enemy of all...
: u knoe who!:

transform!

hari ini hari yang agak suam.
tidak sejuk dan tidak panas.
Alhamdulillah.

ada beberapa perkara yg berlegar di pemikiran ana.
semoga segala urusan dipermudahkan Allah. insyaAllah.

• niat
• harap+doa kepada Allah
• istiqomah dan keberanian

pembentukan seseorang individu dalam pemahaman Islam yang sebenar, ana kira memerlukan niat yang perlu selalu diperbaiki dan diasuh.
kemudian, pengharapan dan doa hanya kepada Allah agar dipermudahkan pemahaman dan pengaplikasian dalam menegakkan Islam dalam kehidupan kita sehari-harian.
satu perkara yang perlu juga kita gilap adalah istiqomah dan keberanian kita dalam memperlihatkan sebatinya Islam as the way of life. Agar tidak menjadi tak serupa bikin. Agar tiada disassociation of our religion and our life.
dan bagaimana bisa kita boleh berniat secara tegar, berpaling hanya pada Rab yang Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang dan lebih kuat dari hari ke hari untuk terus beristiqomah dan lebih berani menyelusuri jalanNya yang panjang ini, ana kira, tidak lain dan tidak bukan, hanyalah takwin/pembentukkan yang berterusan di dalam diri kita. (Didiklah jiwa kita melalui proses usrah dan tarbiyyah.)

ana akan sentiasa berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri ana agar dapat juga memperbaiki orang lain. insyaAllah.

seperti jari-jemari kita yang diciptakan yang Maha Bijaksana, tak perlu sama cantik, sama kurus dan sama panjang. Kerna dengan berbezanya itulah dapat kita genggam, dapat kita pegang. Islamnya kita secara total, tidak bermakna kedatangan kefahaman itu memerlukan kita sejak azalinya seorang yang sempurna. Kerna Allah mahu kita mencari dan terus mencari. Carilah hatimu di dalam Al Quran, di dlm solat, di dlm sepertiga malam, dan andai tidak berjumpa juga, mohonlah kepada yang Maha Berkuasa agar diberikan pintu hati yang baru...

(Macam kita jugak. Mungkin kita ada zaman jahiliyyah kita sendiri. Pernah lakukan perbuatan yang tidak berfaedah suatu ketika dahulu. Hmm..satu hari Allah takdirkan kita dapat kefahaman Islam. Apa kita nak buat? Kita gunakan segala perkara yang kita ketahui sewaktu zaman jahiliyyah tu untuk membantu Islam. Mungkin suatu ketika dulu, kita pandai menulis novel-novel cinta yang tidak berfaedah, sekarang kita kita tukarlah pulak. Kita menulis novel-novel islamik misalnya.Tu sebabnya kita kena pandang kelebihan orang lain berbanding kekurangannya. Bila kita jumpa sesiapa pun, kita fikir-fikirkan la cara bagaimana nak bantu dia agar dia dapat gunakan kelebihannya itu untuk Islam.)

( ) petikan drp kak feera :) jzkk.

deep-a-valley

as i consider myself doing one thing that a fren don't like today, which makes me felt bad. hurm.... nvd, i will then try to forgive myself by saying the things that i did good.
i went for OT day. watch tonsillectomy and polypectomy. Alhamdulillah. i help my frens around the audio clinic and speech therapy. got to see @ perform PTA. i fast today. i borrowed timmy my super new unoriginal oren crocs. i borrowed hamidah my green extra tudung. i gave one ringgit to Adam, a 6 year old boy so that he could buy sweets. Am not sure where he parents is due to language barrier. He is a foreigner. Mayb african ppl. i gave a ride to my housemates. i taught my fren one of the the absolute indication for tosillectomy op :
sore throat infection >7 times and 2 weeks on leave/away frm school per year. over 2 years, 5x each. over 3 years, 3x each.

alhamdulillah. Rasullulah have said it, "Berselisih faham di kalangan umatku itu adalah satu rahmat." (Riwayat Al Baihaqi). i appreciate differences. we are all the same eventually, as we all have differences especially in the way we are brought up.

i grow up in a mentality of no fear if you think wut u do is right. even if it dosent seem to fit the rule or norm. sometimes, at times, ppl appear to label me as suka hati. i remember when i was standard 6, i did a karangan bahasa melayu exactly the contra of what the initial points that were given by my teacher. i just felt that i wanted to do sth of my own. and not copy cat what she gave to us primary six students. during my times in Tkc i escape the dragging morning assembly. no offense Pn. R, but i find it a waste of time in my rebellious mind back then. there are times i appear to be offensive, volatile and monster like when it comes to what i think. its been there for quite a time. and to change a godzilla cum human to a angelic like princess would take time. on the outer prospect, i mean. but u could count on my quest as a khalifah. i will keep on improving myself. today should be a better day than yesterday! insyaAllah.

and i realize that sometimes, there are times that ppl do mistakes w/o them knowing it is wrong. Sometimes, there are times i did something to make other ppl easier and happier but it could sometimes, in the times of akward moments, i am being misunderstood but i learn that ppl are big enough to decide on what they think is right for them and no matter how good my intention was, it would not be visible as clashes of principles collided. i learn also the importance of to see the good things in ppl first. i will next time try my best to see any possibilities of the good side first. i will try to understand. i will not let my perception of life, clouds judgement towards other ppl who may not appear to share the same principles that i do.
from now onwards, i will try to be more tolerate. even maybe not so much on my actions as good habit needs time to stay but at least on how i see things and the ppl around me.
insyaAllah....

on the other note, hpy deepavali Parvin and bhav.

hv a blast! :)

listen

as time slips by me, i am thankful and grateful that i am move to visit the audilogy clinic and the speech therapy clinic. its so ashame of how easily we took for granted of something as so simple as our ability to talk and hear. i really really felt the heaviness in the heart of the parents who have children with disability of any kind and in case of today, the hearing and talking ability. i really really appreciate how normal i am. Alhamdulillah. for the fact that i could communicate, be understood, hear to music and cartoon shows when small, i am indeed speechless. The boy in the speech therapy clinic had problem in articulating words and its due to his attention deficit disorder. He merely could not sit still, not even for 2 minutes. and for the age of 4 years old, u shud have been able to talk at least , what types of animal, etc.. and look at what i found in the net:

What Should a 4 Year Old Know? by Alicia Bayer
She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time... She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs... He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them...

so sweet isn't it?

=) and coming back to adulthood, selamat panjang umur, timmy..... moga jumpe pilot soleh. ooopss. hehehe.

s-o- me t-i- me

sometimes she don't like sometimes.
sometimes she like all the time.
but if its all the time, sometimes...
well, maybe because life is all the time sometimes.
we just need to give time, time.

it had been a stuggle to her.
she tried.
still trying, somtimes.
most of the time, half heartedly living.
she asked herself, what was the purpose of her creation.
she knew it of course.
only sometimes, she hopes that she will all the time remembers it.
remember her purpose of living.
to serve her creator. as best and beyond that she could think she thought she could do.

though as confused she may presented herself, deep down she is all clear and calm
what's outside is actually her inside
though other ppl may seem to think that she is volatile
but as wrong as she may look like
she is comfortable enough to be her own self
much lighter
much easier
because the past has been a mistake
which she is glad that it happened
cause things happened for a reason
and if that reason involves her getting nearer to her creator
she will gladly accept
no pain no gain
she agrees
she nodded
she smile
she is happy
though time and time,
she would sometimes wish sometimes can be all the time
but most of the time, she is steady
maybe not quite slow but almost steady...

moving on
to the next step of life
she could not help to weep and cry
of her spoilt milk
she knew its wrong
but there are time she thinks that its necessary to be sad and malencholy
of somthing that gone wrong
what that is in the past
is already left
and her now seem to be much colourful sometimes
maybe all the time
probably most of the time
and from time to time
she will become a butterfly
she prays for it
and even she could not
well, at least sometimes
dreaming brings no harm, right?
better than all the time complaining
better than most of the time being blank and sad

the better part of life still awaits
she hopes
sometimes
all the time
most of the time

mine

personally she is not a not a fan of whatever artis. and yes, u wont see lists of million songs in her laptop. jauh sekali utk beli object bernama mp3 dan sebagainyer. but she loves to listen to radios only when driving. kira, leh lah update lagu2 semasa generasi skrng agaknya sambil ada suara teman while driving alone. to her, kebanyakan lirik lagu sekarang, x menyentuh betul. harap penulis2 lagu nie lebih kritis lah dlm berkarya. bukan lah nk sanjung barat ke, atau lebih dekat, buka tingkap, nampak jiran seberang, punya lah dia rasa lirik2 mereka bermakna sekali. bukanlah dia nk ckp karya tempatan x best. hurm. agaknya org kita nie lebih fikir kan poket, ikut rentak semasa. tapi kalo nk di ikutkan, bila ada kualiti, org mesti hargai. kalau ada ramai mcm m.nasir mesti best kan. dan ramai lagi lah yg berbakat sebenarnya tapi tak sedar yang lirik yg bermakna lah yg jadi roh pada suatu lagu. irama hanyalah sbg aji-no-moto sahaja.
coming back to taylor swift, maybe because she thinks that the song bring back good memories which saddens her but the way the song is being sing, it does not allow u to be sad for too long. its a hope song to her. a hope that the future husband will take her as who she is, and of course taylor does not have a glimpse of spirituality connecting her to her partner in the song but to her, the sense of strengthening between 2 souls can be increase in a marriage by their strengthening with The All-Mighty. she just feel like smiling upon hearing this cool song. and suprisingly from taylor's. thank you. the song really instill inspiration. the phrase 'u say u will never make my parents mistakes', well, really2 reminded her of the past. of the dark past, maybe. but what had happened in her life of the past is a good thing in the end. InsyaAllah.
her another fav phrase, ...and u took me by suprise, u say i will nvr leave u alone.. u say, i remmber how we felt sitting by the water....
although she knew in reality, she wud try her best, and would fight for not letting this tata tertib (read:coupling) offence happening in her life, but after marriage wud be possible is it. thou for the fact as she is typing away these words, none of a homo sapiens by the genetic of xy crossed her mind, not even barney....
well, at least there is still tomorrow.
we will never know. as for today, she may just wanna smile while hearing to taylor's song entitled mine. without even needing to have any spesific who.

and she is happy.
as long as she fight for the real ones in this unpermanent life.
she would be fine... u too, everyone. hey single ladies, lets prepare ourselves better in terms of being an a awesome wife. (though several years from now seems so far away, isnt it?) hurm.. gear up saje lah! siap siaga, x salah kan. awh.

;from the 2nd person view of herself? hee!;

23

hari ini
sama atau tidak dengan hari yang lain
bukan soalnya
kerna hari ini
hari bertambahnya angka
dan betapa masa berganti begitu deras
perlu teguh dan lebih kukuh
dalam melayari onak duri kehidupan
kadang-kala alpa dan cuai
sahabat pun silih ganti
yang berharga bersinar
yang kelam kesam
walau tinggi mana sayap terbang
lembut tanah tak pernah jauh
deretan kisah-kisah lama kembali
lalu kita menangis dan ketawa sekali
mengenang kenangan
jatuh bangun hari ini dan semalam
harapan bisa terhapus
dan cita-cita bisa padam
kata-kata dilupakan
perbuatan baik tidak dihirau
namun itulah realiti
inilah dunia yang sementara
sementara kita masih bernafas
marilah menghirup kebenaran
dan memperjuangkan harapan
biarlah kalah di sini sekalipun
kerna kita bijaksana
dan tak perlu bijaksini saja

hari ini akan berlalu
dan yang hidup akan hidup
yang mati senyap sepi
yang tinggal, ayuh bangkit
ummah memerlukan kita
walau itu pun mereka tak sedar
hulurkan lah tangan
moga hari ini berakhir dgn tenang
setenang air di kali
membasahi hati dan nurani

ameen ya Rab bal ala min.

pengasih

it was scary. to see the seniors doing their osce. with those strange noises every like 3-5 min. well, the truth is, i feel nothing. na daa. nope!

maybe i am myself exhausted. exhausted of being over sleep or what?

i dun think so. it has been some nightmare these couple of days. with abah not that well, with some unexpected gifts, with the PSY Community Project in old folks home, and in between of speculating of the future... there are also some juniors approaching me for advice. am not sure i am the correct person for them to collect any valid advices but then again, but i gv my best shot nway. dat is why i wud love to one day have a club of my one. secret lah lagi the details. well, i am still fighting with time and all the running thoughts and ideas. maybe all i need to do is to settle down. or maybe to let go. talking of letting go, we went to Pengasih yesterday, all 3 and 7 of us. it was a very eye opening. they used approach name therapeutic community where a survivor will become a mentor to the new ones. am very shock to see the slumber speaker in front of me is a survivor of drug abuse. salute. salute. salute.

kan Allah dah berfirman, Aku tak akan ubah nasib mu melainkan kau mengubahnya sendiri. the change is in your hand.

and today is the day. i am going to put a brave face esok. for role play and poem closing ceremony... deep breath, ashu. deep n very deep, now!

insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan urusan kami. Ameen...