1. this is chronic. my days are filled with non academic things. lame. omg. exm brape saat je lagik nie. gila ape anti? agaknya. haih. mengucap plis. cermin diri plis. mcm mn nk jd khalifah/tabib berjaya nieh. semua bende bersepah, serabut and tak sistematik langsung. kalo ko lah anak aku dh lama sebat smpi mati, ok.. geram sgt! masa tuh mmg sejak azali 24jam lah.. drp ko dok nk membebel nape lah Allah xbagi kita 42 jam sehari, baiklah dgn kadar segera kau sedar diri.. eh, sedap lah ayat nie, sila dgn kadar segera, sedar diri! :)
2. talking with an old old senior sooth me. although kali nie bukan aku yg mengcall n memulakan and nk dijadikkan cerita, dia pulak yg berserabut, which i find, we even not dat spending time together, but we do trust each other and loves each other lillah hi taalal.. Allah, a very good feeling. Inilah yg terbaik. Ini. InsyaAllah.
3. merasa keserabutan mencengkam di kala banyaknya pembohongan yg aku jerut di leher sendiri. mmg x boleh 'tak ape' lah. aku mahu pancung diri sendiri sebenarnya. this is not acceptable as a murabbi. this is not islam at all and i am ashame of myself. i am. but this is my deepest weaknest. barangkali jika anda mengetahuinya, anda akan berasa sgt kecewa dgn saya. yup, i am too. and i hope Allah give me strength to be more responsible person next time. i do not want to lie. all i have is a guilt down under. and it hurts. it crushes my heart bit by bit.
4. a lot is happening by the end of this two thousand and elevan. am happy. Alhamdulillah :) am so glad that every tears and sadness have been given rainbow and sunshine by Allah in return.. I am hapi that Meng my best friend and Ju my cousin is getting engaged.. the next big step, insyaAllah :)
5. my pro exam II is indeed around the corner. war is coming! but i have no weapons. no strategy. nothing. am really dead! what is this shahirah???? plis plis. force urself. get out of that comfort zone. drop that BB! drop that FB! drop everything now and run away with BMJ learning, BMJ oneexamination, bmjpractise and all other knowledge needed!!!! plis plis. u alwez have that second chance and that, owh plis,and u think u can lie again and get not caught red handed? and if even u did get away, Allah won't! and even u did get away, u wud'nt feel good. u need to remember what is not der in ur memory but circumstances force it to be der, then it is a burden. a stupid burden which is being celebrated by satan as u hav suksesfully followed his path. tahniah. congrats.
6. emergency medicine has been over all making me a sly. owh yes, ala, xpe r, xyah lah lama2 cni, sikit je. padahal penting gle. front line kot. bila org dtg chest pain, ecg pon menggeletar, ape kah????? dah final year kot. dok tangguh drp 3rd year tuh apehal? gila ke? gila lah. agaknya. haih. benci benci! plis lah. dh penat lah marah kau yg sgt lembap and slow and arggggh! apebende nie siput ke manusia :(
7. hati ini jadi lebih tenang. Alhmdulilah. emosi ku sudah bisa tidak mahu bercampur dgn lajunya realiti. bisa mahu berfikir banyak kali sebelum bertindak.Alhamdulilah. kematangan yg barangkali dtg drp ilham Tuhan dan hari hari lalu yang rawan.. owh, move on babe. move on.
8. 12hb. biar btol. argh. gagahkanlah hambamu ini, ya tuhan. bak kata kak lin, awak sgt berani.. cheh, mcm pujian. tapi jauh di sudut hati, aku memaki diri sendiri.. boleh kah, bagaimanakah, apakah, bisakah, haruskah, semua dtg silih berganti, filling my life di celah-celahnya, di segenapnya dgn tanda tanya, dgn jawapan yg aku rs mungkin kepada all the possibilities of Allah's secret.. and although this may sound unrational or sound tak logik langsung to u, yes, i understand, tapi bagi aku dan Allah, inilah bende paling logik dan aku sgt selesa dgn keputusan ini.. walau mcm dlm perang jugak minda ini.. tapi aku berada dlm keadaan yg damai. aku rasa. tak terpengaruh langsung pun dgn perang yg tercetus dlm sanubari. Allah, moga inilah yg terbaik. aku tak tahu. tapi Kau tahu, ya tuhan. Bantulah aku menghadapi ketakutan diri ini, terhadap apa yg aku tiada pengetahuan terhadapnya. Aku berserah. Aku redha. walau apa pun jawapannya, aku terima. benar. insyaAllah...
No comments:
Post a Comment